my belly is made of lop-sidedness, which i almost exclusively attribute to the fact that charlotte’s standard position for the past few months has been with her backside on my left and her feet and hands poking around my right.

my linea negra, which is that little line you always see running up to the belly button, is crooked. it wobbles back and forth. it also misses my bellybutton and sort of “bursts” into this mess of pigmentation before continuing up my belly. it is very silly looking to me and not at all what you would see in the movies. i do not believe this is her fault, though.

speaking of my belly button, it is off-centered, and has been for quite a while. the other day i tried shifting it like it was a crooked shirt. it did not work.

also thanks to charlotte’s position, my stretch marks are uneven. i didn’t really have any at all until month 7ish, and then there was just a clump of them on the left side below the belly button line. a couple of weeks ago they started growing a bit, and some faint ones emerged on the right. it’s woefully unbalanced, however.

the biggest impact charlotte has had on my belly is of course, the general shape of it. while she generally does the body-left feet-right position, she gets bored and twists around about once a day. i think if i had gained more weight, it would be less obvious, but unless she’s facing forward (with her back to my spine) you can usually see (and always feel) exactly where she is. it leads to a very oddly-shaped belly and an entertaining show when she’s active. sometimes she’ll push off and the whole thing goes flat for a second or two.

the only time everything gets balanced are when i have faux-contractions. then i just look like i swallowed a bowling ball.

no, really. all i do is sleep these days.

yesterday i got up at 10, took a nap from 1 to 4, and then went to bed around 11pm.
that’s 10 of 24 hours awake.

today i got up at 11, made it all the way to 4 before napping until 6 and now…now it’s looking like it might be bedtime soon. certainly before midnight.
that’s another 10 of 24.

i’m not sure what all is contributing to it. i know that fatigue is the primary factor, but i can’t help think that boredom (yes, there are Things To Do(tm), but nothing really pressing besides some outstanding thank you notes) and melancholy are also factors. why melancholy? well, i’m still pregnant, you see. after this past weekend’s tease, i got all excited about charlotte coming very soon, and have been trying to remind myself that i’m still 11+ days out from my due date, and that’s a due-date i think is a couple of days early anyway. and while “all my friends” gave birth a week or more early, those births were due to complications i don’t have and don’t wish for (everyone turned out healthy in the end). plus, they say that first babies are “usually late.”

needless to say (but i’m saying it anyway) this sort of reality check has led to a bit of gloom. that, added to the fatigue and the boredom means that sleep is really easy for me to reach at any given time. granted, i’m still waking/getting up every couple of hours or so because a position is only comfy for so long before my hips and knees start hurting, but it’s really, *really* easy to roll over or crawl back into bed after a potty break and do it again. after all, what else am i going to do?

it’s sort of like christmas eve where the sooner you go to bed, the sooner it’s christmas.

so i sleep.

why the ish? well, since the appts have switched to thursdays, it’s really closer to the end of the numbered week (which flips on staturday like the calendar) than the beginning.

anyway, with all the excitement, i forgot to officially report on what happened.

nothing much really. we chatted about how annoyed i am at how mobile charlotte is (yes, yes, it’s better than the alternative, but still, you don’t live with my belly, so you don’t know), and what is worthy of a phone call/trip to the hospital (if my water breaks, if i have contractions about 5 minutes apart lasting for about a minute, if there’s heavy bleeding, if charlotte stops moving). no word on how effaced i am, but since i was 80% last week, i can’t imagine it’s really noteworthy beyond “good to go” at this point. i was a bit less than 3 cm dilated, which as far as i’m concerned is really good. i mean, 4 is the magic “active labor” number i keep seeing, so i can’t imagine progressing much further (i gained over a cm from last week), before it’s time to go.

i asked how much longer she thought it would be and got a not-surprising “it could be tonight. it could be 2 weeks from now.” response. she did mention that she wouldn’t let me go past 41 weeks, so i figure that 11/12 is all the later it’s going to be. as frustrating as that would (will?!) be, at least it’s an end date.

looks like charlotte and my body are just messing with me.

today was spent staying relatively close to home and with an eye on my belly (so to speak) to keep track of what was going on. things sort of fell apart around lunch time. since it was a beautiful day and they say that walking is one of the ways to get/keep things going, we decided to spend the day at the zoo. we walked and walked and walked. it was hard to keep an eye on what was happening in my belly since walking generally causes some cramping. it did seem that towards the end of the walk i was getting some distinct contractions, about every 15-20 minutes or so. those faded for a while, but picked back up again after dinner.

so now i sit here on the couch, watching ryan play video games and patiently waiting my turn and having “something” happen every half hour or so.

i don’t think she’s coming any time soon, however. we could keep this game up for days and even weeks before it’s time for the real deal.

sigh. one good thing has come out of this, though. before i felt there was a key difference between “are you ready?” and “it’s time for you to be ready, are you?” i’ve always felt ready, but being faced with the concrete possibility was a completely different feeling and had a completely different answer.

i’m ready now though. i don’t like this teasing stuff and since it’s gonna happen, i’d rather it really happen.

game on.

in case anyone’s watching the blog/feed for news.

we went to bed around 1am finally, with contractions around 20 minutes apart that were slowly gathering in intensity. i woke up every hour or so due to contractions, moving baby, and the standard “gotta pee” feelings, but i’m fairly confident that the contractions had a more regular schedule than that. they say that lying (laying?) on your side diminishes stuff, so who knows.

this morning they seem to be about 15 minutes apart and are definitely stronger. i’ve had a couple since getting up and there was very little “um…i think this is something” doubt in my mind.

so…odds are that today’s at least the day i’m heading to the hospital, if not charlotte’s actual birthday. it still might be all in my head, or take another day or so before anything hospital worthy kicks in. i probably won’t believe it’s actually happening until my water breaks or i’m doubled over in pain :)

toodles!

boy will this sound silly later if i’m not.

this morning i woke up with a weird vibe. i blame the tasty spanikopita i had for dinner last night (read: feta cheese, spinach, philo dough), and my doctor saying “it could be tonight, it could be 2 weeks from now” when i asked her about labor. nevertheless, i woke up worried that today was special, and played through quite a few “what if x happens” scenarios in my head that i hadn’t before. (what if my water breaks right now? what happens if it breaks in the middle of the day? etc etc).

i spent too much time this morning worrying about the nursery, which was still in so many piles of bags of stuff and with much less order to the chaos than i was comfortable with. by 11am it was much, much better, and i was beat. i took my 2pm nap at 12:30 and still managed to sleep until 4, which seemed a bit extreme, even with my over-worked morning.

we had dinner at friends which was tasty and fun. a bit later, while we were just hanging out watching tv and stuff, things began to feel … odd. at first, it was just charlotte doing her evening twists and things, but at one point it felt like more than just her. there’s a tightening that happens when she pushes off and sticks her butt out at me that i’ve sort of gotten used to. this was more intense. then it happened again. and then again. probably only about 3 times in an hour and a half, but still.

we got home and i was still really tired, despite my special long nap. so i hung out on the couch for a while and watched ryan play beautiful katamari for a while.

about 10:30, i decided this was happening too frequently and with too consistent of markers (shortness of breath followed by a too-big-to-be-charlotte “push”) to not be tracked. turns out it’s been happening every 20 minutes or so for the last 2 hours.

so um…yeah.

i really should be sleeping right now, but my brain is not shutting off any time soon. even if this is nothing, this is still “something” and whatever it is, it’s keeping me the hell awake right now. (although the 12:18 hit was definitely *not* charlotte)

the hospital has wifi, so you may be hearing from me again before it’s all really over, depending on how long it takes.

things i’m looking forward to once the pregnancy is over …besides the standard “having my daughter, being a mom, etc” stuff, which is also all true, but i’m talking mostly about all the “me” stuff.

• sleeping on my back –haven’t done this since april-ish. i’m not actually much of a fan of back sleeping. it leads to snoring and sleep paralysis, but i’m so done with side-sleeping.
• sleeping on my stomach –where i actually want to be sleeping, although i suspect breastfeeding will continue to make this uncomfortable for a while.
• less acne –this is thankfully already starting to fade. i think that means my progesterone levels are starting to drop, which is a cool thing because less progesterone means labor is on it’s way
• no more moles and skin tabs –i may have lucked out in many departments, but omg, did my skin freak out.
• finding out how much i weigh a week later. –due to starting overweight (borderline obese, actually), making some fundamental eating habit changes (no fake stuff, hella water, better balanced diet, etc), and generally lucking out, i haven’t gained all that much weight. i think i’m going to end up weighing less a week after i’m done than i did before i started.
• being able to get in and out of cars/bed/chairs/couches without needing help
• being able to bend over and pick something up without needing help
• alcohol –man do i miss wine. and vodka. and rum. i plan on using the “pump and dump” and “if you’re sober, so are your boobs” methods so nobody needs to worry about charlotte.
• *not* having an alien in my belly –oh sure, i’ll probably miss it when she’s free, but charlotte didn’t read the “after the 37th week, the baby’s movements become limited” note. less room seems to simply mean i can feel it when she blinks. and it *hurts*.
• getting off the couch –i’m sure i’ll miss the days when i could sit down for more than 5 minutes at a time, but right now, i’m kinda over “limited activity.”
• my old clothes –or, buying new, non-maternity clothes because my old clothes don’t fit anymore ;)
• my old shoes — please god, let my feet de-expand a bit so i can still wear them
• breastfeeding –since this is the “me” list and not the “motherhood” list, i’ll just point out the 500ish calories a day bit ;)

and finally: being on the other side. even now, 37+ weeks into the whole thing, i’m still leading up to something. leading up to labor. leading up to a body that’s been ravaged by labor. once that’s passed, i’ll be on my way down. back to normal. less brand new unknowns (about my body, anyway) and more going back to normal. the walk back is always easier than the walk to, since you know where you’re going on the way back. oh sure, breastfeeding’s going to open up a whole realm of new fun, but after the first few weeks, even that becomes routine.

don’t get me wrong. it’s been a crazy, fascinating trip, and i’ve done a lot more mental documenting than i’ve had opportunity to do on this blog, but there’s so much about being me that i’ve forgotten about, since i’ve been the pregnant version of me for so very long.

i’m looking forward to finding her again, and seeing what she’s like as a mom. (aw, see, i did get a little sappy there at the end)

months and months ago, when i had just assumed i’d be put on bedrest at some point thanks to all the preeclampsia factors, i wasn’t too upset about it. i mean, why be upset about something that’s probably inevitable, and who doesn’t love hanging out and reading, writing, or playing video games all day long?

um, me, that’s who.

i don’t have preeclampsia. i haven’t been confined to my bed. i’ve been put on “limited activity” and sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day (even in a office that’s been as accommodating as mine), isn’t limited enough to combat the edema and the fatigue. so basically, i get one or two “outings” a day (a walk to shake the baby loose, dinner, etc) plus some general chores. mostly, though, i’m on the couch. with my feet up. which is great and all and good for me and good for charlotte and i’ve seen, really *seen*, my ankles and calves for the first time in months. i had no idea how much weight i’d lost down there until i got rid of all the swelling, but oh my gosh am i having a hard time keeping myself … well tasked.

there’s a list (when is there not a list) of things that need to happen, big and small. there’s an unwritten list of “things i can do to occupy myself when i don’t feel like or can’t work on the other lists” made of tv watching, video games, book reading, etc. so i’m not really at a loss for things to do. i’m just at a loss for when to do what. i found myself all weekend thinking “well, if i do x now, then what will i do later?” or “i should save this until later when there’s something different on tv, or ryan is around to talk to or… whenever.”

and it’s driving me crazy. friday i had laundry to pace myself with (get up, do laundry. do one small task. sit back down until laundry’s ready again) and a few downloaded tv shows to get me through the middle of the day. i have a lovely new video game to play, but it really only consumes me for about an hour before something in me clicks off and says “you have better things to be doing, you know.” i was going to postpone this blog entry until monday as well, but then i thought “no, really, what else are you going to do on the internet while you half-watch america’s next top model?” RSS feeds are really dry on the weekend, kids.

i dunno. maybe it’s just sort of some mis-guided leftover nesting that can’t focus well enough to get anything done. tomorrow, i think the first thing i do once i get bored with the morning shows is make a schedule for the day. possibly a general one for every day.

god i’m a nerd.

today (which is technically almost week 37) was my 36 week checkup. it included an ultrasound.

the ultrasound was great in some ways, a bit of let down in others. charlotte is very healthy, a decent size (6lbs 10oz today), and very snugly head down (could have told you that). she’s also quite the mobile little kicker (could have told you that, too). according to the ultrasound technician, charlotte should be making her debut on november 1st.

i was looking forward to *seeing* her a bit more, and unfortunately we didn’t get to see much. she’s just so big right now, that there wasn’t any great “pan down the body” shots. her arms and legs took up the entire screen and blipped in and out. because her head is in a good position for labor, her face was in a crap-tastic place for getting a glimpse.

i shouldn’t complain, i know, and i’m not really. having such a great glimpse of her so close to the end (and so long after the last one), was very cool and very reassuring.

we also had a “me” checkup. i am 80% effaced and starting to dilate, so that’s pretty cool. my bp was a bit up, my ankles were a bit … plump so we talked about what i needed to do to stay healthy for the next few weeks. the answer? “limited activity.” i’ll be spending the next few weeks with my feet up on the sofa and doing minimal chores and such. fortunately i’m not stuck on full bed rest, and i’ll be doing my best to make sure it stays that way.

one “nice” thing about all of this: you, dear reader, will have fairly frequent updates. i mean, what else am i going to do? write thank you notes?

as promised: a brief video of what is a nightly ritual.

unfortunately for you, charlotte became camera shy once we finally got the the camera out, so ryan was only able to capture a small wave. usually she’s much more active than that and it lasts for anywhere from 10 - 20 minutes.

oh, and that dark spot near the top is what’s “left” of my belly-button (it’s pretty much a flat plane at this point), surrounded by my body’s interpretation of a linea negra (which is a crooked line that sort of “spills” pigment around my belly button).