my belly is made of lop-sidedness, which i almost exclusively attribute to the fact that charlotte’s standard position for the past few months has been with her backside on my left and her feet and hands poking around my right.

my linea negra, which is that little line you always see running up to the belly button, is crooked. it wobbles back and forth. it also misses my bellybutton and sort of “bursts” into this mess of pigmentation before continuing up my belly. it is very silly looking to me and not at all what you would see in the movies. i do not believe this is her fault, though.

speaking of my belly button, it is off-centered, and has been for quite a while. the other day i tried shifting it like it was a crooked shirt. it did not work.

also thanks to charlotte’s position, my stretch marks are uneven. i didn’t really have any at all until month 7ish, and then there was just a clump of them on the left side below the belly button line. a couple of weeks ago they started growing a bit, and some faint ones emerged on the right. it’s woefully unbalanced, however.

the biggest impact charlotte has had on my belly is of course, the general shape of it. while she generally does the body-left feet-right position, she gets bored and twists around about once a day. i think if i had gained more weight, it would be less obvious, but unless she’s facing forward (with her back to my spine) you can usually see (and always feel) exactly where she is. it leads to a very oddly-shaped belly and an entertaining show when she’s active. sometimes she’ll push off and the whole thing goes flat for a second or two.

the only time everything gets balanced are when i have faux-contractions. then i just look like i swallowed a bowling ball.

looks like charlotte and my body are just messing with me.

today was spent staying relatively close to home and with an eye on my belly (so to speak) to keep track of what was going on. things sort of fell apart around lunch time. since it was a beautiful day and they say that walking is one of the ways to get/keep things going, we decided to spend the day at the zoo. we walked and walked and walked. it was hard to keep an eye on what was happening in my belly since walking generally causes some cramping. it did seem that towards the end of the walk i was getting some distinct contractions, about every 15-20 minutes or so. those faded for a while, but picked back up again after dinner.

so now i sit here on the couch, watching ryan play video games and patiently waiting my turn and having “something” happen every half hour or so.

i don’t think she’s coming any time soon, however. we could keep this game up for days and even weeks before it’s time for the real deal.

sigh. one good thing has come out of this, though. before i felt there was a key difference between “are you ready?” and “it’s time for you to be ready, are you?” i’ve always felt ready, but being faced with the concrete possibility was a completely different feeling and had a completely different answer.

i’m ready now though. i don’t like this teasing stuff and since it’s gonna happen, i’d rather it really happen.

game on.

in case anyone’s watching the blog/feed for news.

we went to bed around 1am finally, with contractions around 20 minutes apart that were slowly gathering in intensity. i woke up every hour or so due to contractions, moving baby, and the standard “gotta pee” feelings, but i’m fairly confident that the contractions had a more regular schedule than that. they say that lying (laying?) on your side diminishes stuff, so who knows.

this morning they seem to be about 15 minutes apart and are definitely stronger. i’ve had a couple since getting up and there was very little “um…i think this is something” doubt in my mind.

so…odds are that today’s at least the day i’m heading to the hospital, if not charlotte’s actual birthday. it still might be all in my head, or take another day or so before anything hospital worthy kicks in. i probably won’t believe it’s actually happening until my water breaks or i’m doubled over in pain :)

toodles!

boy will this sound silly later if i’m not.

this morning i woke up with a weird vibe. i blame the tasty spanikopita i had for dinner last night (read: feta cheese, spinach, philo dough), and my doctor saying “it could be tonight, it could be 2 weeks from now” when i asked her about labor. nevertheless, i woke up worried that today was special, and played through quite a few “what if x happens” scenarios in my head that i hadn’t before. (what if my water breaks right now? what happens if it breaks in the middle of the day? etc etc).

i spent too much time this morning worrying about the nursery, which was still in so many piles of bags of stuff and with much less order to the chaos than i was comfortable with. by 11am it was much, much better, and i was beat. i took my 2pm nap at 12:30 and still managed to sleep until 4, which seemed a bit extreme, even with my over-worked morning.

we had dinner at friends which was tasty and fun. a bit later, while we were just hanging out watching tv and stuff, things began to feel … odd. at first, it was just charlotte doing her evening twists and things, but at one point it felt like more than just her. there’s a tightening that happens when she pushes off and sticks her butt out at me that i’ve sort of gotten used to. this was more intense. then it happened again. and then again. probably only about 3 times in an hour and a half, but still.

we got home and i was still really tired, despite my special long nap. so i hung out on the couch for a while and watched ryan play beautiful katamari for a while.

about 10:30, i decided this was happening too frequently and with too consistent of markers (shortness of breath followed by a too-big-to-be-charlotte “push”) to not be tracked. turns out it’s been happening every 20 minutes or so for the last 2 hours.

so um…yeah.

i really should be sleeping right now, but my brain is not shutting off any time soon. even if this is nothing, this is still “something” and whatever it is, it’s keeping me the hell awake right now. (although the 12:18 hit was definitely *not* charlotte)

the hospital has wifi, so you may be hearing from me again before it’s all really over, depending on how long it takes.

months and months ago, when i had just assumed i’d be put on bedrest at some point thanks to all the preeclampsia factors, i wasn’t too upset about it. i mean, why be upset about something that’s probably inevitable, and who doesn’t love hanging out and reading, writing, or playing video games all day long?

um, me, that’s who.

i don’t have preeclampsia. i haven’t been confined to my bed. i’ve been put on “limited activity” and sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day (even in a office that’s been as accommodating as mine), isn’t limited enough to combat the edema and the fatigue. so basically, i get one or two “outings” a day (a walk to shake the baby loose, dinner, etc) plus some general chores. mostly, though, i’m on the couch. with my feet up. which is great and all and good for me and good for charlotte and i’ve seen, really *seen*, my ankles and calves for the first time in months. i had no idea how much weight i’d lost down there until i got rid of all the swelling, but oh my gosh am i having a hard time keeping myself … well tasked.

there’s a list (when is there not a list) of things that need to happen, big and small. there’s an unwritten list of “things i can do to occupy myself when i don’t feel like or can’t work on the other lists” made of tv watching, video games, book reading, etc. so i’m not really at a loss for things to do. i’m just at a loss for when to do what. i found myself all weekend thinking “well, if i do x now, then what will i do later?” or “i should save this until later when there’s something different on tv, or ryan is around to talk to or… whenever.”

and it’s driving me crazy. friday i had laundry to pace myself with (get up, do laundry. do one small task. sit back down until laundry’s ready again) and a few downloaded tv shows to get me through the middle of the day. i have a lovely new video game to play, but it really only consumes me for about an hour before something in me clicks off and says “you have better things to be doing, you know.” i was going to postpone this blog entry until monday as well, but then i thought “no, really, what else are you going to do on the internet while you half-watch america’s next top model?” RSS feeds are really dry on the weekend, kids.

i dunno. maybe it’s just sort of some mis-guided leftover nesting that can’t focus well enough to get anything done. tomorrow, i think the first thing i do once i get bored with the morning shows is make a schedule for the day. possibly a general one for every day.

god i’m a nerd.

so um…i don’t know if this is what nesting actually feels like, but i’m pretty sure something new is happening with me.

this weekend we had a bit of a blitzkrieg finale to most of our pre-baby activities. friday night we took a class on pregnancy and labor massage. saturday i attended my last shower. sunday we attended an “all day” infant care class (which lasted until about 2ish), picked up a gift that had been delivered to a local baby boutique, and visited friends who just had their first child.

after all of that, i sort of went a bit … nuts.

because i feel like cutting the tags off all the pink clothes we’ve received might be jinxing us, i’m not planning on doing the absurd amount of washing and packing that needs to be done until after our thursday appointment (it has an ultrasound). we did wash the fabric that goes with our bassinet, a few gender-neutral receiving blankets, and a “just in case” outfit for going home. i think doing that little bit of laundry, and putting the bassinet where it goes in our bedroom was what finally pushed me over the edge.

i built the bouncer, which didn’t take very long and wasn’t enough to meet my need to build/do something.

i took the infant carrier out of it’s box, only to discover it was completely pre-assembled. that makes complete sense, really, but was a bit disappointing. i had nothing to do but adjust the straps and try to cram various stuffed animals into the seat. i could have gone downstairs and tried to install the carseat itself, but it was late and would probably be a bit too physically challenging for me. all that bending and leaning and such.

instead, i cracked open the box of the stroller frame put it together, snapped the carrier in place. un snapped. collapsed the stroller. un-collapsed and put the carrier back on. repeated 2 or 3 times.

it still wasn’t enough. i have a general “rule” that i don’t put away gifts until i’ve written the thank you notes. it’s partly a motivator, and partly a way to help jog my memory when i’m going back to write the note. i broke the rule sunday night. my mother had given me a giant basket that was crammed full of clothes and a few other things. i took everything out of the basket and put it in neat little themed piles.

this took quite a while and required that i stand up at the counter to do so. after such a full day (note the lack of a nap), my body started complaining quite loudly that it was time to be done. i spent about an hour or so just kind of sitting on the couch, tapping my hands and *thinking* about what i could do next, once my body got over that whole being tired and sore thing.

monday wasn’t better.

i woke up about an hour before my alarm and just decided to get moving. by the time we got to work, i was sort of skipping and eager. i was also talking an absurd amount, like i do when i’m nervous about something (i was not). i spent the large part of the morning cleaning up/out my desk. it’s very clean and orderly now. i did all of this with a rather sore shoulder, but i didn’t really care. around nap time (2-3pm), i could feel a part of me asking for a nap, but the part in control didn’t really care. so i kept going.

after work we went to target and picked up pretty much everything we needed to build the labor/post partum bags. i don’t really expect the doctor to say “go give birth” at my checkup on thursday, but just in case, i want to be ready. i’m 36+ weeks after all. it’s past time to have built a bag.

i was going to build it last night, but i was too tired once i got home.

i woke up this morning too tired as well.

the thing is, my brain hasn’t shut off. it’s sort of hard to describe. it’s not a very manic feeling. i feel in control, i just really want to move forward with whatever task i’m working on and go to the next one as quickly as possible. all day, even though i was too tired to do much of anything (i took a nap), i was constantly plotting what i would do as soon as i was able.

still left to do:
- install carseat in car
- actually pack the labor and post-partum bags
- write thank you notes
- write the birth plan
- put some finishing touches on the baby’s room (mostly the changing table area)
- prep and wash *everything* that will fit/be used by a newborn and a 0-3 month old.

i don’t have pictures, but i may have a video of charlotte dancing in my belly to share with you soon.

so, my husband is pretty damn spectacular.

he has, in the past few months, taken every crazy thing i’ve done in complete stride. he picks up everything i drop (when i let him), he helps me up when i get stuck in a chair (also when i let him), and basically has gone out of his way on a daily basis to make sure there’s nothing i need. occasionally he gets a bit over-zealous with the water offering, but you know, nobody’s perfect ;)

the past week or so, i’ve been particularly crazy.

monday i burst into random tears at lunch. he pulled his chair closer to mine, calmed me down, and then did random silly things until i was smiling.

wednesday i came to the conclusion that “nobody was ever going to buy the mattress and the bedding” and that we needed to buy it right then. even if it meant treking out to the far, far county to get it. and we did. the next day my mother expressed disappointment that someone had bought the bedding and now she couldn’t. oh well.

friday morning, after a random nightmare i started crying as well (love them hormones!). ryan woke up, listened to the litany of things that might be upsetting me, and then cheered me up to the point i was able to go back to sleep.

today, to thank him, i woke him up 2 hours before he got up naturally to have him feel a braxton-hicks contraction. after he expressed appropriate awe at the hardness of my abdomen, he thanked me for waking him up and promptly went back to sleep.

we both know this will only get worse, and you wouldn’t know it to look at him.

hooray for him!

oh gosh, what a difference a few weeks make. let’s see…

oh! two weeks ago we went and took a tour of the hospital/birthing center that we’ll be using. it was a very surreal experience. seeing everything, imagining us in that place made me feel better (one less unknown), but knowing we’d back in 4-7 weeks most likely was very … intimidating. even ryan got a bit spooked and he’s been relatively un-spookable this entire time.

we’ve also started taking classes. i procrastinated a bit with calling, so we’re stacking them up fairly tightly in the 8th month at about one per week. last week we took the cpr class, which made me feel much more prepared. next week is breastfeeding, followed by “baby weekend” where we have massage (for pregnancy and labor) on friday night and a full day (8ish-3ish) of infant care on sunday.

and then there’s the showers. one tomorrow, one next weekend (which is also a house-warming party for us), and one the weekend after (smack dab between the two classes). we’re about to go from very little baby stuff to more than we have room for. it’s going to ease my mind considerably in terms of how prepared we are for charlotte’s arrival.

one more thing i’m doing to prepare for her big day is reading up on a bunch of different laboring techniques. i’ve already decided that science is my friend, so i’ll be going the medicated/iv’d/monitored route, but i know there still somethings to learn from “natural” methods. Specifically how to manage pain *before* the drugs kick in. i’ve picked up a couple of books, one on the bradley method and one that’s more of a general meditation guide. they aren’t telling me much i don’t know about meditation and channeling your focus inward (something i’m already familiar with), but they’re all over the “why doctors and medicine is evil” stuff. one of the books is so out of date (first published in 1984) that it’s just flat out wrong. i thought i was doing a decent job of filtering out the propaganda, but it seems to be catching up a bit with me. i blame hormones and stress and “omg i’m giving birth very soon!” stuff. once i get through them completely, i’ll probably post really-real reviews. …you know, like i’ve been planning for the books i’ve actually completed ;)

i’m also napping almost every day. fortunately everyone at work is very understanding. i take off around 2 or 3pm, sleep for a couple of hours and catch up on work later in the day. i do not like this, because it requires giving up way more control than i’d like way earlier than i’d like (you know, before the day i go into labor ;) ) but there’s little i can do about it.

so that’s pretty much it. there’s really not much to report on charlotte. we get checkups every couple of weeks now, and she’s doing just fine. at 36 weeks (2ish weeks from now), we’ll have another sonogram. i’m looking forward to seeing her again, to see how much she’s actually grown and such.

no decent pictures either this week (we’re such slackers), but i’ve got a couple from random events that are share-worthy and show how much my belly has grown.

bye now!

you know what? there isn’t really much to report on just now. we’re all just sort of doing our thing and waiting for the next phase/doctor’s visit.

we went to the doctor about a week ago and besides being reminded why i like my doctor so much, it was largely uneventful. she asked me to stay on the progesterone until i hit 12 weeks and then start weaning myself off (which i’m doing, now that i’m officially at 12 weeks). we took a shot at listening for the heartbeat, but were unsuccessful. i’m still full of worry that something’s wrong in there and the only reason we don’t know it is because of the progesterone. i hope when we have our appointment at week 14 and we hear the heartbeat that i’ll be more relaxed, but i have a feeling it will take until the ultrasound at 18 weeks before i calm down about that. of course, that will just make room for different things to worry about ;)

the bump is growing a bit all the time (which, if i were normally rational, i would interpret as a sign that everything’s okay, but i can’t because i’m me). it’s to the point that when i’m sitting back in a chair, it will “hang over” (at least visually) a note pad or computer i have in my lap. i still have moments where i look fat instead of pregnant, but i’m starting to make the conscious choice for clothes that push towards looking pregnant. i’ve bought a couple of things (here and there, on sale and such), but i’m not quite big enough for any of them to look right yet. i did buy a bigger bra though, which has helped discomfort out a bit.

we went to a wedding yesterday and took pictures of “the bump” in a dress not really designed for bumping. it accommodates it pretty well at this stage though if you just push the gentle waistband up over the bump. those pictures should be up as soon as i get not-lazy enough to do so.

i’m looking forward to the first trimester being over. i haven’t gotten “all the way” sick, but i have had a few days where i got much closer than i’d like. nothing really crazy like the oj has happened since, i have been on a “mmm…buffalo wings/chicken fingers/chicken sandwich” kick which is probably not just me wanting things that taste good. i have days were i want meat, days where i want juice, but again, nothing quite so “omg love!” as the oj thing.