Party of Four?

so…what’d you do today?

know what i did? i sat on the couch, almost entirely engrossed in a video game next to my husband who was doing the exact same thing. occasionally we’d get up to eat or do laundry or something. sounds like an idyllic sunday, right? (okay, maybe video games aren’t your thing, but you’ve got a thing you’d love doing all day on a sunday instead of being productive)

it was not.

through out the day, every 30 minutes or so, but with a few hour long breaks, i’d have a contraction. sometimes they were weak, sometimes they were not-so-weak. sometimes they’d be 20 minutes apart for a while, sometimes almost 40. they were never bad enough that i had to stop talking or anything. none that were as bad as one i had a few days ago, but for the last … 2 hours or so they’ve been consistently … not-so-weak.

we even had a two hour period where nothing was happening, and then we realized that nothing was happening. not even a peep from charlotte herself. after calming down and waiting patiently/rationally for some sign, she eventually woke up (i’m sure she was tired, too), and moved around enough to calm me down. i’m still not sure ryan’s calm about it.

waiting like this it is the dumbest thing. we’ve had days where there’s been 2-3 hours or so of this. we’ve had nights where we’ve given up and gone to bed in hopes that i wake up screaming in pain or with a ruined set of sheets (don’t worry, the mattress is protected). we’ve not had an entire day where we’ve been teased this mercilessly.

today is the official “due date” and it’s 10:30pm. there had better not be a baby born today, but i sure would like to be going to the hospital before the day’s officially over. neither one of us is interested in going to bed until this either dies down for a few hours, or it’s obvious we’re going to go someplace. i can’t imagine waking up tomorrow and sending ryan to work, if tomorrow’s going to be anything like today was, and i suspect it will.

sigh.

i was really hoping to not have this week’s checkup. and then i was really hoping that if i went to this week’s checkup, my doctor would tell me that i’ve progressed so much that labor was just around the corner. or maybe, just maybe, she’d look at me cross-eyed and say “shit, girl! you’re in labor! get yourself to the hospital.”

none of those things happened.

there was no change in my shape (still almost 3cm, still 80% effaced) when the examination started. by the time it was over…um…let’s just say (and i’m practically quoting) she did all she she could to hurry things along short of grabbing my tonsils. hopefully it’ll jump-start labor in the next few days.

even better news: we also scheduled an induction appointment for next week on the 7th. i’m in the afternoon shift, which means any time after 3pm someone is going to call and say “come have a baby, okay?” and then we’ll hop in the car and then go have a baby. according to my doctor, it’s likely the call won’t come until 7 or 8pm (they have to “clear out” all the morning folks first), and charlotte won’t be born until the next morning.

i don’t know about you, but i feel better. my doctor gave me a boost to kick labor into gear, and gave me an end date. i’m not exactly looking forward to induction, but i’m certainly looking forward to not being pregnant, and even more so, i like end dates. the past few days have been really rough, and i’m not even *at* my due date yet. the frustration of not knowing has been really difficult. one of the reasons i’m sleeping late and taking naps is that i can’t sleep at night. the anxiety of wondering what tomorrow will bring keeps me up until tomorrow happens (well, until about 6am) and then i can sleep.

hopefully i’ll sleep better tonight :)

oh! and as a side-note there were 3 of us all due about the same day: my cousin, a former co-worker, and me. well, my co-worker had her baby this morning after a freakishly short and easy labor process (10pm to 2am!) so congrats to cindy and MP! (and skyler)

when my father was dying/died earlier this year, my mother was obsessed with signs. a bird outside the window, a strange phone call, a mis-behaving tivo. you name it, it was a sign. or at least, she wanted me to tell her if i thought it was a sign or not. repeatedly (and gently) i told her that anything can be a sign of anything and if they made her feel better it was a good thing and not to worry to much.

i am experiencing my own “sign” frenzy. every time something happens that’s a “sign” of impending labor i start to get excited, or at least anxious for it to confirm itself as a *true* sign of pregnancy.

examples? on friday i had some spotting. while rational-me kept reminding the rest of me that spotting after a checkup is normal, irrational-wanna-baby-now-me kept reminding the rest of me that i’d never spotted after a checkup before and maybe it was a bit pinker than brown even if it was very thin, so it could still be the bloody show (great name, huh) and one of those “within 48 hours” signs i’ve been waiting for.

but it wasn’t.

on sunday, my digestive track decided it was done dealing with my food for a while. often, within about 4 to 48 hours before labor begins, a woman can get nauseous and/or have diarrhea as her body begins to prioritize labor over food. rational-me pointed out that after the choices i’d made over the past few days (diner food, heavy cream pasta sauces, etc), it was really not surprising that i might have some … discomfort followed by some diarrhea. irrational-wanna-baby-now-me quickly countered with how different my bowels were behaving even though my diet hadn’t *really* changed all that much. when a normal, sensible meal offered the same speedy result as the greasy stuff, iwbn-me almost managed to get the rest of me on board. had it not been for the complete and utter lack of really-real impending labor signs (no show, not even some faux-contractions) i think i might have gone completely crazy. or, you know, into actual labor. today everything is back to “normal,” however, so i can’t even cling to the end date of that “sign”.

and the thing is, short of actual labor things that will cause me to directly go to the hospital or at least call someone, there’s nothing left to happen that’s going to impress. the best “here it comes!” set-up has a “within 4 hours to a few days” timeframe, and guess what? i’m 3 days out from the due date my last ultrasound pegged me at, 5 days from my dr’s due date, and 7 from what i would consider the *real* due date, once my ovulation cycle is factored into the math. i fully expect my doctor to schedule an induction appointment at my next checkup (wednesday) for the week after my due date.

so yeah, it’s probably going to be within 4 hours to a few days from now, signs or no signs.

yesterday i told a friend that i preferred signless days to sign-full days because then at least i wasn’t driving myself crazy hoping against rationality. turns out it really doesn’t matter anymore. sign-less days (like today) are their own kind of “where the hell did my signs go?” crazy-making.

to top off all the sign-crazy, i’m getting a bit irrational. (yeah, i know, “getting”) it seems like my breasts are shrinking for some reason. if i lie (lay?) in certain positions in bed, it sort of feels like i don’t have a belly anymore. i have this weird moments when i’m waking up where i really feel like instead of giving birth, i’m just going to slowly become un-pregnant over the next 9 months. like we missed some sort of window and my body’s just going to shut down the show. it takes me a considerable moment for biology to convince me otherwise.

i’ve got to hand it to charlotte, though. throughout all of this crazy, she’s stayed active without being frantic. it’s a constant, stabilizing reminder that while things may be unpredictable and worrisome out here, inside she’s perfectly fine. and really, signs and craziness and irrationality and impatience aside, that’s what’s most important to all of us.

my belly is made of lop-sidedness, which i almost exclusively attribute to the fact that charlotte’s standard position for the past few months has been with her backside on my left and her feet and hands poking around my right.

my linea negra, which is that little line you always see running up to the belly button, is crooked. it wobbles back and forth. it also misses my bellybutton and sort of “bursts” into this mess of pigmentation before continuing up my belly. it is very silly looking to me and not at all what you would see in the movies. i do not believe this is her fault, though.

speaking of my belly button, it is off-centered, and has been for quite a while. the other day i tried shifting it like it was a crooked shirt. it did not work.

also thanks to charlotte’s position, my stretch marks are uneven. i didn’t really have any at all until month 7ish, and then there was just a clump of them on the left side below the belly button line. a couple of weeks ago they started growing a bit, and some faint ones emerged on the right. it’s woefully unbalanced, however.

the biggest impact charlotte has had on my belly is of course, the general shape of it. while she generally does the body-left feet-right position, she gets bored and twists around about once a day. i think if i had gained more weight, it would be less obvious, but unless she’s facing forward (with her back to my spine) you can usually see (and always feel) exactly where she is. it leads to a very oddly-shaped belly and an entertaining show when she’s active. sometimes she’ll push off and the whole thing goes flat for a second or two.

the only time everything gets balanced are when i have faux-contractions. then i just look like i swallowed a bowling ball.

looks like charlotte and my body are just messing with me.

today was spent staying relatively close to home and with an eye on my belly (so to speak) to keep track of what was going on. things sort of fell apart around lunch time. since it was a beautiful day and they say that walking is one of the ways to get/keep things going, we decided to spend the day at the zoo. we walked and walked and walked. it was hard to keep an eye on what was happening in my belly since walking generally causes some cramping. it did seem that towards the end of the walk i was getting some distinct contractions, about every 15-20 minutes or so. those faded for a while, but picked back up again after dinner.

so now i sit here on the couch, watching ryan play video games and patiently waiting my turn and having “something” happen every half hour or so.

i don’t think she’s coming any time soon, however. we could keep this game up for days and even weeks before it’s time for the real deal.

sigh. one good thing has come out of this, though. before i felt there was a key difference between “are you ready?” and “it’s time for you to be ready, are you?” i’ve always felt ready, but being faced with the concrete possibility was a completely different feeling and had a completely different answer.

i’m ready now though. i don’t like this teasing stuff and since it’s gonna happen, i’d rather it really happen.

game on.

in case anyone’s watching the blog/feed for news.

we went to bed around 1am finally, with contractions around 20 minutes apart that were slowly gathering in intensity. i woke up every hour or so due to contractions, moving baby, and the standard “gotta pee” feelings, but i’m fairly confident that the contractions had a more regular schedule than that. they say that lying (laying?) on your side diminishes stuff, so who knows.

this morning they seem to be about 15 minutes apart and are definitely stronger. i’ve had a couple since getting up and there was very little “um…i think this is something” doubt in my mind.

so…odds are that today’s at least the day i’m heading to the hospital, if not charlotte’s actual birthday. it still might be all in my head, or take another day or so before anything hospital worthy kicks in. i probably won’t believe it’s actually happening until my water breaks or i’m doubled over in pain :)

toodles!

boy will this sound silly later if i’m not.

this morning i woke up with a weird vibe. i blame the tasty spanikopita i had for dinner last night (read: feta cheese, spinach, philo dough), and my doctor saying “it could be tonight, it could be 2 weeks from now” when i asked her about labor. nevertheless, i woke up worried that today was special, and played through quite a few “what if x happens” scenarios in my head that i hadn’t before. (what if my water breaks right now? what happens if it breaks in the middle of the day? etc etc).

i spent too much time this morning worrying about the nursery, which was still in so many piles of bags of stuff and with much less order to the chaos than i was comfortable with. by 11am it was much, much better, and i was beat. i took my 2pm nap at 12:30 and still managed to sleep until 4, which seemed a bit extreme, even with my over-worked morning.

we had dinner at friends which was tasty and fun. a bit later, while we were just hanging out watching tv and stuff, things began to feel … odd. at first, it was just charlotte doing her evening twists and things, but at one point it felt like more than just her. there’s a tightening that happens when she pushes off and sticks her butt out at me that i’ve sort of gotten used to. this was more intense. then it happened again. and then again. probably only about 3 times in an hour and a half, but still.

we got home and i was still really tired, despite my special long nap. so i hung out on the couch for a while and watched ryan play beautiful katamari for a while.

about 10:30, i decided this was happening too frequently and with too consistent of markers (shortness of breath followed by a too-big-to-be-charlotte “push”) to not be tracked. turns out it’s been happening every 20 minutes or so for the last 2 hours.

so um…yeah.

i really should be sleeping right now, but my brain is not shutting off any time soon. even if this is nothing, this is still “something” and whatever it is, it’s keeping me the hell awake right now. (although the 12:18 hit was definitely *not* charlotte)

the hospital has wifi, so you may be hearing from me again before it’s all really over, depending on how long it takes.

months and months ago, when i had just assumed i’d be put on bedrest at some point thanks to all the preeclampsia factors, i wasn’t too upset about it. i mean, why be upset about something that’s probably inevitable, and who doesn’t love hanging out and reading, writing, or playing video games all day long?

um, me, that’s who.

i don’t have preeclampsia. i haven’t been confined to my bed. i’ve been put on “limited activity” and sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day (even in a office that’s been as accommodating as mine), isn’t limited enough to combat the edema and the fatigue. so basically, i get one or two “outings” a day (a walk to shake the baby loose, dinner, etc) plus some general chores. mostly, though, i’m on the couch. with my feet up. which is great and all and good for me and good for charlotte and i’ve seen, really *seen*, my ankles and calves for the first time in months. i had no idea how much weight i’d lost down there until i got rid of all the swelling, but oh my gosh am i having a hard time keeping myself … well tasked.

there’s a list (when is there not a list) of things that need to happen, big and small. there’s an unwritten list of “things i can do to occupy myself when i don’t feel like or can’t work on the other lists” made of tv watching, video games, book reading, etc. so i’m not really at a loss for things to do. i’m just at a loss for when to do what. i found myself all weekend thinking “well, if i do x now, then what will i do later?” or “i should save this until later when there’s something different on tv, or ryan is around to talk to or… whenever.”

and it’s driving me crazy. friday i had laundry to pace myself with (get up, do laundry. do one small task. sit back down until laundry’s ready again) and a few downloaded tv shows to get me through the middle of the day. i have a lovely new video game to play, but it really only consumes me for about an hour before something in me clicks off and says “you have better things to be doing, you know.” i was going to postpone this blog entry until monday as well, but then i thought “no, really, what else are you going to do on the internet while you half-watch america’s next top model?” RSS feeds are really dry on the weekend, kids.

i dunno. maybe it’s just sort of some mis-guided leftover nesting that can’t focus well enough to get anything done. tomorrow, i think the first thing i do once i get bored with the morning shows is make a schedule for the day. possibly a general one for every day.

god i’m a nerd.

so um…i don’t know if this is what nesting actually feels like, but i’m pretty sure something new is happening with me.

this weekend we had a bit of a blitzkrieg finale to most of our pre-baby activities. friday night we took a class on pregnancy and labor massage. saturday i attended my last shower. sunday we attended an “all day” infant care class (which lasted until about 2ish), picked up a gift that had been delivered to a local baby boutique, and visited friends who just had their first child.

after all of that, i sort of went a bit … nuts.

because i feel like cutting the tags off all the pink clothes we’ve received might be jinxing us, i’m not planning on doing the absurd amount of washing and packing that needs to be done until after our thursday appointment (it has an ultrasound). we did wash the fabric that goes with our bassinet, a few gender-neutral receiving blankets, and a “just in case” outfit for going home. i think doing that little bit of laundry, and putting the bassinet where it goes in our bedroom was what finally pushed me over the edge.

i built the bouncer, which didn’t take very long and wasn’t enough to meet my need to build/do something.

i took the infant carrier out of it’s box, only to discover it was completely pre-assembled. that makes complete sense, really, but was a bit disappointing. i had nothing to do but adjust the straps and try to cram various stuffed animals into the seat. i could have gone downstairs and tried to install the carseat itself, but it was late and would probably be a bit too physically challenging for me. all that bending and leaning and such.

instead, i cracked open the box of the stroller frame put it together, snapped the carrier in place. un snapped. collapsed the stroller. un-collapsed and put the carrier back on. repeated 2 or 3 times.

it still wasn’t enough. i have a general “rule” that i don’t put away gifts until i’ve written the thank you notes. it’s partly a motivator, and partly a way to help jog my memory when i’m going back to write the note. i broke the rule sunday night. my mother had given me a giant basket that was crammed full of clothes and a few other things. i took everything out of the basket and put it in neat little themed piles.

this took quite a while and required that i stand up at the counter to do so. after such a full day (note the lack of a nap), my body started complaining quite loudly that it was time to be done. i spent about an hour or so just kind of sitting on the couch, tapping my hands and *thinking* about what i could do next, once my body got over that whole being tired and sore thing.

monday wasn’t better.

i woke up about an hour before my alarm and just decided to get moving. by the time we got to work, i was sort of skipping and eager. i was also talking an absurd amount, like i do when i’m nervous about something (i was not). i spent the large part of the morning cleaning up/out my desk. it’s very clean and orderly now. i did all of this with a rather sore shoulder, but i didn’t really care. around nap time (2-3pm), i could feel a part of me asking for a nap, but the part in control didn’t really care. so i kept going.

after work we went to target and picked up pretty much everything we needed to build the labor/post partum bags. i don’t really expect the doctor to say “go give birth” at my checkup on thursday, but just in case, i want to be ready. i’m 36+ weeks after all. it’s past time to have built a bag.

i was going to build it last night, but i was too tired once i got home.

i woke up this morning too tired as well.

the thing is, my brain hasn’t shut off. it’s sort of hard to describe. it’s not a very manic feeling. i feel in control, i just really want to move forward with whatever task i’m working on and go to the next one as quickly as possible. all day, even though i was too tired to do much of anything (i took a nap), i was constantly plotting what i would do as soon as i was able.

still left to do:
- install carseat in car
- actually pack the labor and post-partum bags
- write thank you notes
- write the birth plan
- put some finishing touches on the baby’s room (mostly the changing table area)
- prep and wash *everything* that will fit/be used by a newborn and a 0-3 month old.

i don’t have pictures, but i may have a video of charlotte dancing in my belly to share with you soon.

so, my husband is pretty damn spectacular.

he has, in the past few months, taken every crazy thing i’ve done in complete stride. he picks up everything i drop (when i let him), he helps me up when i get stuck in a chair (also when i let him), and basically has gone out of his way on a daily basis to make sure there’s nothing i need. occasionally he gets a bit over-zealous with the water offering, but you know, nobody’s perfect ;)

the past week or so, i’ve been particularly crazy.

monday i burst into random tears at lunch. he pulled his chair closer to mine, calmed me down, and then did random silly things until i was smiling.

wednesday i came to the conclusion that “nobody was ever going to buy the mattress and the bedding” and that we needed to buy it right then. even if it meant treking out to the far, far county to get it. and we did. the next day my mother expressed disappointment that someone had bought the bedding and now she couldn’t. oh well.

friday morning, after a random nightmare i started crying as well (love them hormones!). ryan woke up, listened to the litany of things that might be upsetting me, and then cheered me up to the point i was able to go back to sleep.

today, to thank him, i woke him up 2 hours before he got up naturally to have him feel a braxton-hicks contraction. after he expressed appropriate awe at the hardness of my abdomen, he thanked me for waking him up and promptly went back to sleep.

we both know this will only get worse, and you wouldn’t know it to look at him.

hooray for him!