i think the question of which is easier, breastfeeding or formula is pretty much a wash. i’m sure if you handed a breast to someone who’d been formula feeding they’d marvel at how there’s no cans to buy and no bottles to wash and it’s always right there when you want it. by the same token, all you have to do with formula is mix it up and go, plus you always know how much she’s eating and anyone can do it anywhere you go. plus, while breastfeeding seems normal, feeding her from a bottle seems all special.

i’m struggling with staying motivated to breastfeed. every time someone is surprised or unexpectedly impressed with the fact that i’m still doing it, what i hear is “nobody expects you to still be doing it.” even my aunt, who breastfed for over a year with her children, had assumed i had stopped by now.

i broke a few “rules” of breastfeeding. we use a pacifier to …well, pacify her. we probably wouldn’t have ever started, but thanks to colic, it was pretty much a necessity to keep us sane and her free from unnecessary distress. we use it less often now, but still a few times a day. charlotte also gets fed from a bottle on average once a day or more. usually this comes in 2-3 bottles/day shifts while i’m at work, so she has days where almost half of her meals come from a bottle. add that to the pacifier usage, and even though she’s well past the age where nipple confusion is a risk, she’s getting a bit lazy when faced with the challenge of a breast instead of a bottle. it’s something we can work around/through, but it means breastfeeding is becoming more work instead of less.

and then there’s the cardinal rule of breastfeeding survival that we broke: we’re supplementing with formula. i cannot tell you how many times i’ve read/heard the warnings against the evil powder and how i should put any formula samples under lock and key so that i’m not tempted during a weak moment.

basically, i was faced with a choice. either i’m attached to a breastpump or a baby for a very large portion of some of my days, or we trade out a meal or two a day with formula. even if she was only drinking breastmilk, pumping messes with supply. it’s manageable, but it’s rough. if it was just an inconvenience for me, it would be one thing, but with all the drama about her size, the stress of making sure i was producing enough would be my undoing.

well, thanks to enfamil dropping a few sample cans of formula on our doorstep, the choice became even easier to make. by my calculations, we’ll run out of formula sometime in april…when she’s almost 6 months old and likely ready to start transitioning to solids anyway. to get her acclimated, we’ve started giving her about 2 meals a week (4oz each) with formula, and i’ve encouraged her babysitters to give her a formula “snack” if she eats through the breastmilk before we get home and she’s very hungry. it’s all been in prep for my full days at work, which start this week.

i still want to breastfeed as much as possible until she’s 6 months at least, but i know that the more we supplement, the more difficult it will be to keep supply going long term, and “going back to work” is another key period where it gets extra challenging. i’m also self-aware enough that i’m probably doing a bit of pre-sabotage to try and control when i stop breastfeeding instead of having it fade on me when i’m not prepared.

i suppose i just need to keep focused on why this was the best choice for our family, and remember that buying formula, bottle maintenance, and most importantly, losing that bond are things i don’t really want to do yet.

they say that babies grow and “learn” while they sleep. well, if not learning while they sleep, internalizing and hard-wiring the things they learned throughout the day. charlotte must have had some good naps this weekend, because she’s a different baby today.

for starters, i noticed that the 0-3 month sleepers were getting a bit short. when i examined the 3-6 month ones, they looked a little long. better a little long than too short, so i washed them up and put them in the dresser. thanks to this week’s poop-quake, we’ve already gone through two of them today, and i must say, they fit much better. she also *looks* like she grew another inch or so overnight, but i’m sure that’s a trick of the eye. she’s a skinny little mini, so they’re a bit wide on her. we’re still keeping the smaller onezies, tops, and foot-less pants out, since they’re not as affected by the length issue.

we also bumped the straps in the car carrier up a notch. she’s much more comfortable now, sitting more upright and much less hunched. i feel kind of bad that we hadn’t done it sooner.

one of charlotte’s favorite toys is a leapfrog seat with a bar across it. the bar has 3 shapes that dangle from it and when you hit them, music plays for about 5 minutes or so. when it stops, you need to hit one of the shapes again to make it go. after a weekend of daddy showing her how it works, today she started triggering it on her own. i don’t think she’s quite figured out that it’s the hand and the shape making the music, but she knows if she bounces around and flails her arms in their general direction, more often than not, she’ll get what she wants.

after the poop-quake rendered the seat inoperable until it gets laundered, i dropped her in her swing to finish cleaning up. normally she looks up at the mobile and track the animals. today, she greeted the with a spontaneous smile and some cooing, as if the were old friends. she has done that before, with the mobile in her crib, but never the swing. she was much more engaged than she’s ever been, and for much longer.

all this added mobility and sight means she’s better entertained by the world around her. this makes her a much happier baby than she was a month ago, and has made it much easier to care for her while doing other things like laundry and blog writing :)

things i love:

• the boppy: every time i try to feed her without it, i remember why i love it.
• all things medela: i listened to the internet and the crazy-jolly lactation consultant who said that people try others to save a buck or two, but usually end up with the pump in style, so i started with it. i pump about once a day, more if i miss a feeding, and it’s wonderful. the bags are awkward to pump into, so i pump into a bottle and then package into the bags. their microsteam bags make for easy cleanup. i also pump one breast at a time. it takes longer, but uses less stuff and allows me to do something more than hold the pumps in place ;)
• receiving blankets by amy coe: the only ones we could find that were the right material, and large enough for swaddling. they must be popular, since i can rarely find them at target, and they’re not online, either.
• old-school cloth diapers: we received a stack embellished with cute ribbons as a shower gift. more absorbent, better protecting, and softer than any burp cloth you can buy.
• t-shirts: we use the gerber ones under sleepers and when we swaddle.
• fuzzy sleepers: fleece, i suppose is what you’d call them. anyway, they’re great for keeping her toasty enough to nap in, or head out in this weather.
• lavender lab: is it a coincidence that she started sleeping 6+ hours at night once santa delivered one? i don’t think so.
• waterproof pads: one in the bed, one on the changing table…a few more waiting to be used at a moment’s notice
• the ikea chair: just the right amount of “bounce” for a rocker. (we don’t use the ottoman, though)
• schick intuition: it counts. it came in my “breast is best, but here’s some formula” bag of samples and coupons. it cuts leg-shaving down to about 3 minutes, which means i actually get to do it every once in a while ;)
• bundle me: sits in the baby carrier and is perfect for outings in less than ideal weather. plus, the “top” zips right off so there’s no issue on weirdly-warm days.

things i’m not using

• hats: oh, she hates them.
• gowns: one part onesie, one part blanket sleeper. not warm enough to use alone for napping.
• swaddlers: the material is waaaay too forgiving for a fussy baby who likes to kick, which is kind of the whole reason to swaddle.
• misc blankets: again, nothing made of a material that stretches in the least will do any good for swaddling, and most other blankety needs are met by other things.
• almost everything in the room/bedding kit: there are no windows in her room, so the valance was out. the blanket is too …stiff and pretty to be of any use. the bumper looks good, but “they” say that you shouldn’t use them when the baby actually sleeps in the bed. that leaves a diaper storage container (cute, but impractical. and the hanger broke under the weight of a “full” load of diapers), the crib ruffle (likeable, but mostly hidden by the crib we purchased), and a fitted sheet (buyable on its own)
• pants: since she doesn’t spend a lot of time with her legs straight, they look kind of silly. they get in the way of diaper changes, without being easily movable like a zippered or snapped sleeper or onesie.

…that’s all i can think of at the moment, but i know i’ve thought of more things while i’ve been composing this in my head.

charlotte and i are almost through our first bout of mommy-sickness. unfortunately, i got a head cold and a flu/bug thing overlapping. also complicating the mix was some daddy-sickness with the same bug. two weak, vomitting people does not a parent make. my mom came over for quite a while on saturday so that ryan and i could rest and charlotte could get the attention neither of us were capable of giving. now all that’s left is the residual cold-related coughing and cranky throat/lungs. i’m hoping this doesn’t turn into a lung infection like so many colds of mine do. we ran into some dehydration-related supply issues with breastfeeding, but i think we’ll be back on track by tomorrow.

the forced down time allowed me to catch up in my what to expect: the first year book, and reading between the lines has taught me a few things. specifically, that we have a “challenging” baby. it’s not just the colic (which, don’t get me wrong, is quite challenging), but apparently she’s extra-active. i hadn’t really thought about it. when we get together with other babies near-enough her age it’s either at over-stimulated holiday events or outings where all babies stay tightly bundled away in their carriers. so i haven’t had much to compare with, and know better than to take such a small amount of anecdotal evidence as any indication.

i’m not really complaining, mind you. for us it’s normal babyness. i know that extra-active has some “perks”, that she’s not alone, or too far from a “norm”, and that some of the active/colic-related habits we’ve gotten into are partially due to choices towards the path of least resistance we’ve made over the few short weeks we’ve been parents. some of that’s going to have to change in the next few weeks as she approaches 3 months and needs some better habits, especially around “nap-time”.

it’s just sort of weird to realize that not all babies kick and squirm and wiggle around as much as charlotte does. that people can put them down for naps without being swaddled, with possibly being slightly awake and the baby doesn’t scream her head off.

if anything, this realization has stopped the almost constant “and some people have two?” monologue that’s been going on in my head. :)

so, she cries a lot. i worry that there’s something wrong, since she doesn’t exactly fit the perfect pattern of colic, but i think it’s still colic. she cries about an hour to 90 minutes after probably 2/3 of her feedings. there isn’t any discernible pattern based on what i’ve eaten, although i’ve taken tomatoes out of my diet after learning that both my cousin and i had problems with them, as did our grandmother. most of the time she can sleep through the bad phase, but not always. most of the time a walk around our apartment to look at the lights will distract her into quietness, but not always. i think that’s the “symptom” that has me most convinced it’s either colic or some other “not a big deal” thing (which is really what colic is — a catch all for unexplainable crying that generally goes away after a while). i remind myself when i can’t stand to hear her scream that if it was a terrible thing, pretty lights wouldn’t distract her, nor would rhythmic thumping on her back.

sometimes the crying lasts until we feed her again (and often through the feeding), sometimes she’ll cry herself to sleep, and sometimes a pacifier works. the joke in the house the past few days is that the 17th thing you try is the one that’s going to work. sadly, the pattern seems to be holding. 

swaddling used to be a great solution to the fussy/crying, but she’s learned how to avoid swaddling. the girl has some seriously strong legs. some days she’s so anti-swaddling that any time you set her on her back (to change, to swing, or to cradle in your arms), she starts howling. this may also be belly related. i know when i’ve got bad acid issues, the last place i want to be is on my back. the best way we’ve found to trick her into swaddling is to feed her into a food-coma, burp her quickly and then wrap her up before the fog lifts. of course, dumping a breast’s worth of food in her belly pretty much guarantees that within a couple of hours, we’re going to have to de-swaddle.

they say that colic “peaks” around 6 weeks old, and we’ve definitely seen an up-kick in intensity and duration the past few days. here’s hoping the peak happens soon. 

other approaching milestones are on the horizon as well. she’s learning how to twist her body, which makes changing more difficult, but means that intentional turning over is going to happen soon. at least, once she figures out that twisting is good for more than just demonstrating displeasure when she’s being lifted by her ankles. when she’s not screaming and not sucking on a pacifier, she’s definitely cooing. she can make a few different sounds now, and we’re both consciously repeating them back to her, and also engaging her in a “conversation” when she does it. i haven’t noticed her recognizing me or ryan yet, but it seems that when she’s fussing in her crib and i call out to her to let her know i’m on my way, she calms a bit. she may just be taking a breath. she can see much farther than before as well, which means no more looming over the crib to see if she’s asleep. our presence on the edges seems to disturb her awake. it means she’s much more interested in her toys and swings and such, which has been very useful for entertaining her in this brief moments when she’s awake and not angry at the world ;)

and then there’s the smiling thing. while some people have insisted that she’s been smiling for weeks, i’ve yet to see anything that i’m 100% confident is a true smile. she’s getting quite close though. today while we were on the changing table (her favorite place to hang out and coo) she seemed to be enjoying herself while i cooed and tickled and smiled at her. i certainly had her attention some of the time and her face (lips included) was twitching as if she was trying to do something intentional, but without really knowing what or how to accomplish it.

breastfeeding is still going well. i’m struggling to find opportunities to pump. on some mornings when i’m feeling particularly “full” and she’s complying by sleeping in, i’ll pump a decent amount. the trouble is that for the rest of the day, i feel a bit empty and i worry that she’s not getting enough. logic (and dirty diapers) tells me that she is, but it still worries me.

she’s had a bottle a few times this past week, and gets some quality time with the pacifier almost every day, but i’m quite pleased to report that the breast is still her favorite. every so often it takes her a few sucks longer to get going, but the reinforcement of the let-down seems to be combatting the bottle and the paci just fine.

she’s had quite a few outings thanks to the colic. since the carseat and a drive are often the easiest solutions to her attitude, hopping in the car to head to drive through dinner, the mall, or some other shopping destination has been a sanity-saving solution. i’ve become quite a pro at breast-feeding in the back of the car while ryan watches over us in parking lots. i just wish it weren’t so cold/nasty outside so that we could take some afternoon walks.

and then there’s me, i suppose. i’m learning and trying my best to remember that i’m not just at home and have to tend to a baby, but that the baby is my job right now. it makes me more focused on actively interacting with her and making sure i’m doing things to encourage her development. i struggle on occasion with feeling normal. even though we go “out” most nights, i go from loft to garage to building and back again. i’m never really outside, and never far enough “away” from charlotte to feel like i’ve gotten a break. sadly, even when ryan is “in charge” of her, i can’t shake it. it’s not until i do something that is a physical separation that i even realize i was missing it. then again, when i go more than a couple of hours without holding her (either because we’re running errands or because we’re visiting with folks who won’t put her down) i miss having her in my arms. i think there really is something to that whole bonding/hormone thing ;)

speaking of, i’m going to start back at work after the new year. there’s still some kinks/details that need to be worked out, like how much i’ll be working and exactly what i’ll be doing, but it’s pretty much a done deal. i’m looking forward to the opportunities for “normal”, even if it is work stress, but i’m also a bit worried about being away from her on a regular basis, especially when i start working 8 hour days. fortunately, my commute is about 15 minutes on foot, so i won’t be gone for more than 9ish hours at a stretch. i could easily even see her on my lunch breaks if i need a fix.

this is a really rambling, disorganized post with no real “end.” i blame the mush of watching too much television and the new-mother fatigue that makes me not care enough to muster the energy to fix it :)

there’s something almost liberating with colicy crying and knowing there’s nothing i can do to stop it. sure, i do the requisite soothing, but past that i’m fairly free to go about my day. i just have a wailing infant on my arm the whole time :)

this is a hard post to write. i compose it over and over in my head while the days go by, but when i find a moment to actually type it up, i’m usually so drained or beat down, or just…not in the mood that it won’t come out right. we are all very healthy. i think charlotte might have a wee bit of a cold, which isn’t too surprising, given all the touching she’s been exposed to in the last week. she doesn’t seem too bothered by it, other than the random fussing and sneezing. it certainly hasn’t affected her appetite at all. she was 8lbs 6oz at our most recent checkup/weight check, which puts her at over an ounce a day.breastfeeding is also going very well. as i said, she’s gaining plenty of weight. i’m also *mostly* past the painful part of the process. although we’ve mastered the basics, i’m still at a complete loss for how people manage to feed in public. any time i try to cover up as “practice” it doesn’t go well. how can you see anything?! i’m also struggling a bit with the pump. it works great and all, but finding time/opportunity to pump while also having enough milk for her when she’s hungry is a real trick. the whole thing still strikes me as a bit absurd when i think to hard about the fact that there’s a human feeding from a part of my body.and then there’s me.physically i’m doing…absurdly well. as predicted, i lost most/all of the weight i’d gained during pregnancy by the time we got home. granted, it was *only* 15 lbs, so it’s not all that impressive. as the water-weight drained away over the next week, i lost another 15 pounds. thanks to the breastfeeding, i’m still loosing weight. i weigh less now than i have since the first year we were married. before you go hating me too much, please bear in mind that i was very over-weight when i got pregnant, and still need to lose another 30 or so pounds before i reach a healthy weight. i’ve made some drastic changes to my diet since becoming pregnant, and so far, most of them are sticking.mentally, well…being a new mom is rough. i have days full of confidence where i think i can totally pull this off, but they’re interrupted by moments of intense self-doubt, which leave me pretty paralyzed and really distraught. i don’t think it’s much more than the standard “baby blues,” so far. it helps to have a very supportive and loving husband/father around to pick me up when i crumble *and* take the lion’s share of the baby care while i get over myself.the last few days have been especially trying. i think that we might have a colicy baby on our hands. if she’s not sleeping or eating, she’s been screaming her head off. there’s nothing wrong, i’m not eating anything funny to make her upset. yesterday she wailed for the bulk of the day (from about 11:30 to 3:30 when she finally went to sleep), and well into the evening/night (6pm - 2amish with very few breaks). today was a bit better, partially because she’d worn herself out so much, and partially because we knew what to expect. i ended up singing “amazing grace” for almost an hour straight today to try and stave off the fussies. tomorrow i think i’m going to try christmas carols. maybe a little silent night or away in a manger.she’s asleep now, so we’re going to head to bed. when i get a chance, my next goal is to upload a bunch of pictures from the past couple of weeks onto the flicker account, so stay tuned!

So….

the last … 3 contractions have been less than 10 minutes apart and all not-weak. still not something i can’t walk/talk through, but strongest yet, certainly. long enough that i can feel them start, peak, and back off, which is pretty new, too. before that we had a run of 15ish minute deals, with varying intensities.

i think this might be the start of “it” :)

i have one concern right now: charlotte. (i mean, duh, but a specific charlotte-related concern) she seems a little freaked out. not in a frantic “call the doctor if the baby is in distress” sort of way (which, btw, is complete bullshit. how do you know that?!). she’s just sort of squirmy. even if i’m totally projecting, it bothers me that i can’t tell her it’s going to be okay. that i know she’s freaked about what’s going on, but it’s supposed to happen and that it will all be over very soon, and that it has to happen and that it’s for the best.

anyway, this is my version of nervous chatter that i can’t really do right now because ryan’s in the shower (i just got out), and i’m probably just past the point of being able to nervous chatter anyway. only my fingers are capable at this point.

back to the game!

things i’m looking forward to once the pregnancy is over …besides the standard “having my daughter, being a mom, etc” stuff, which is also all true, but i’m talking mostly about all the “me” stuff.

• sleeping on my back –haven’t done this since april-ish. i’m not actually much of a fan of back sleeping. it leads to snoring and sleep paralysis, but i’m so done with side-sleeping.
• sleeping on my stomach –where i actually want to be sleeping, although i suspect breastfeeding will continue to make this uncomfortable for a while.
• less acne –this is thankfully already starting to fade. i think that means my progesterone levels are starting to drop, which is a cool thing because less progesterone means labor is on it’s way
• no more moles and skin tabs –i may have lucked out in many departments, but omg, did my skin freak out.
• finding out how much i weigh a week later. –due to starting overweight (borderline obese, actually), making some fundamental eating habit changes (no fake stuff, hella water, better balanced diet, etc), and generally lucking out, i haven’t gained all that much weight. i think i’m going to end up weighing less a week after i’m done than i did before i started.
• being able to get in and out of cars/bed/chairs/couches without needing help
• being able to bend over and pick something up without needing help
• alcohol –man do i miss wine. and vodka. and rum. i plan on using the “pump and dump” and “if you’re sober, so are your boobs” methods so nobody needs to worry about charlotte.
• *not* having an alien in my belly –oh sure, i’ll probably miss it when she’s free, but charlotte didn’t read the “after the 37th week, the baby’s movements become limited” note. less room seems to simply mean i can feel it when she blinks. and it *hurts*.
• getting off the couch –i’m sure i’ll miss the days when i could sit down for more than 5 minutes at a time, but right now, i’m kinda over “limited activity.”
• my old clothes –or, buying new, non-maternity clothes because my old clothes don’t fit anymore ;)
• my old shoes — please god, let my feet de-expand a bit so i can still wear them
• breastfeeding –since this is the “me” list and not the “motherhood” list, i’ll just point out the 500ish calories a day bit ;)

and finally: being on the other side. even now, 37+ weeks into the whole thing, i’m still leading up to something. leading up to labor. leading up to a body that’s been ravaged by labor. once that’s passed, i’ll be on my way down. back to normal. less brand new unknowns (about my body, anyway) and more going back to normal. the walk back is always easier than the walk to, since you know where you’re going on the way back. oh sure, breastfeeding’s going to open up a whole realm of new fun, but after the first few weeks, even that becomes routine.

don’t get me wrong. it’s been a crazy, fascinating trip, and i’ve done a lot more mental documenting than i’ve had opportunity to do on this blog, but there’s so much about being me that i’ve forgotten about, since i’ve been the pregnant version of me for so very long.

i’m looking forward to finding her again, and seeing what she’s like as a mom. (aw, see, i did get a little sappy there at the end)

today marked the beginning of a key milestone in my pregnancy. it was my last 2-week appointment. starting with my next appt (36 weeks) i’ll be going every week. it was also the first appointment where the doctor (or in this case, the nurse practitioner) checked for dilation and effacement. no news other than we’re both still plenty healthy. the np guesstimated that she’s mostly head down, but definitely favoring my right side. she was concerned about my ankles, which were considerably swollen by the time i had my appointment. they were worse than i’ve seen them in weeks, though, since my appointment a month ago where i got scolded, so she let me off with a warning. truth be told, it was the drive, the waiting room, and sitting on that examining bench that did it. they were “fine” before i’d left the office.

last night we took the breastfeeding class, which we both really enjoyed. it helped me go from “i’m going to try and breastfeed, and hopefully succeed” to “i’m going to breastfeed and persevere through the hard parts.” it also convinced us to get a really-real pump. before i was thinking that a hand-pump wound get me through any bumps along the way, and that we would rent a pump when i went back to work. after last night, the hand-pump felt like a waste of money. even a decent one would be awkward and time consuming, and not necessarily help much with over-engorgement. buying one of the pricey but high quality pumps will ultimately be cheaper than renting, and much more convenient for traveling. plus, if i pump while also feeding charlotte during the day, there will be milk available for ryan and charlotte’s extended family to feed her as well (once we’re out of the “nipple confusion” woods, that is). this is important to me not only because i want others to have the bonding experience, but because it’ll be easier for charlotte to transition if she’s used to various people feeding her.

my attitude has taken a lovely shift towards eagerness in the past few days. the classes and the support of everyone who was at sunday’s shower have given me a real boost of confidence in my ability to take care of an itty, bitty baby. so now i want the itty, bitty baby to show up. i’d like to wait a couple of weeks to get her fully baked in there, but once she’s good to go, it will be time to go!

ah well, if having so many pregnant people in my life recently has taught me anything, it’s that the baby clearly has his or her own timetable and the moms are completely at their mercy.

no pictures just yet. i’ll try to get one tomorrow.

oh! and as a supplement to talking about how great my husband is, i’d like to mention how great my family, friends, co-workers, and house guests have been in the past few months as well. this would be so much harder without all of their support and generosity.

thanks guys!