things i’m looking forward to once the pregnancy is over …besides the standard “having my daughter, being a mom, etc” stuff, which is also all true, but i’m talking mostly about all the “me” stuff.

• sleeping on my back –haven’t done this since april-ish. i’m not actually much of a fan of back sleeping. it leads to snoring and sleep paralysis, but i’m so done with side-sleeping.
• sleeping on my stomach –where i actually want to be sleeping, although i suspect breastfeeding will continue to make this uncomfortable for a while.
• less acne –this is thankfully already starting to fade. i think that means my progesterone levels are starting to drop, which is a cool thing because less progesterone means labor is on it’s way
• no more moles and skin tabs –i may have lucked out in many departments, but omg, did my skin freak out.
• finding out how much i weigh a week later. –due to starting overweight (borderline obese, actually), making some fundamental eating habit changes (no fake stuff, hella water, better balanced diet, etc), and generally lucking out, i haven’t gained all that much weight. i think i’m going to end up weighing less a week after i’m done than i did before i started.
• being able to get in and out of cars/bed/chairs/couches without needing help
• being able to bend over and pick something up without needing help
• alcohol –man do i miss wine. and vodka. and rum. i plan on using the “pump and dump” and “if you’re sober, so are your boobs” methods so nobody needs to worry about charlotte.
• *not* having an alien in my belly –oh sure, i’ll probably miss it when she’s free, but charlotte didn’t read the “after the 37th week, the baby’s movements become limited” note. less room seems to simply mean i can feel it when she blinks. and it *hurts*.
• getting off the couch –i’m sure i’ll miss the days when i could sit down for more than 5 minutes at a time, but right now, i’m kinda over “limited activity.”
• my old clothes –or, buying new, non-maternity clothes because my old clothes don’t fit anymore ;)
• my old shoes — please god, let my feet de-expand a bit so i can still wear them
• breastfeeding –since this is the “me” list and not the “motherhood” list, i’ll just point out the 500ish calories a day bit ;)

and finally: being on the other side. even now, 37+ weeks into the whole thing, i’m still leading up to something. leading up to labor. leading up to a body that’s been ravaged by labor. once that’s passed, i’ll be on my way down. back to normal. less brand new unknowns (about my body, anyway) and more going back to normal. the walk back is always easier than the walk to, since you know where you’re going on the way back. oh sure, breastfeeding’s going to open up a whole realm of new fun, but after the first few weeks, even that becomes routine.

don’t get me wrong. it’s been a crazy, fascinating trip, and i’ve done a lot more mental documenting than i’ve had opportunity to do on this blog, but there’s so much about being me that i’ve forgotten about, since i’ve been the pregnant version of me for so very long.

i’m looking forward to finding her again, and seeing what she’s like as a mom. (aw, see, i did get a little sappy there at the end)

months and months ago, when i had just assumed i’d be put on bedrest at some point thanks to all the preeclampsia factors, i wasn’t too upset about it. i mean, why be upset about something that’s probably inevitable, and who doesn’t love hanging out and reading, writing, or playing video games all day long?

um, me, that’s who.

i don’t have preeclampsia. i haven’t been confined to my bed. i’ve been put on “limited activity” and sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day (even in a office that’s been as accommodating as mine), isn’t limited enough to combat the edema and the fatigue. so basically, i get one or two “outings” a day (a walk to shake the baby loose, dinner, etc) plus some general chores. mostly, though, i’m on the couch. with my feet up. which is great and all and good for me and good for charlotte and i’ve seen, really *seen*, my ankles and calves for the first time in months. i had no idea how much weight i’d lost down there until i got rid of all the swelling, but oh my gosh am i having a hard time keeping myself … well tasked.

there’s a list (when is there not a list) of things that need to happen, big and small. there’s an unwritten list of “things i can do to occupy myself when i don’t feel like or can’t work on the other lists” made of tv watching, video games, book reading, etc. so i’m not really at a loss for things to do. i’m just at a loss for when to do what. i found myself all weekend thinking “well, if i do x now, then what will i do later?” or “i should save this until later when there’s something different on tv, or ryan is around to talk to or… whenever.”

and it’s driving me crazy. friday i had laundry to pace myself with (get up, do laundry. do one small task. sit back down until laundry’s ready again) and a few downloaded tv shows to get me through the middle of the day. i have a lovely new video game to play, but it really only consumes me for about an hour before something in me clicks off and says “you have better things to be doing, you know.” i was going to postpone this blog entry until monday as well, but then i thought “no, really, what else are you going to do on the internet while you half-watch america’s next top model?” RSS feeds are really dry on the weekend, kids.

i dunno. maybe it’s just sort of some mis-guided leftover nesting that can’t focus well enough to get anything done. tomorrow, i think the first thing i do once i get bored with the morning shows is make a schedule for the day. possibly a general one for every day.

god i’m a nerd.

today (which is technically almost week 37) was my 36 week checkup. it included an ultrasound.

the ultrasound was great in some ways, a bit of let down in others. charlotte is very healthy, a decent size (6lbs 10oz today), and very snugly head down (could have told you that). she’s also quite the mobile little kicker (could have told you that, too). according to the ultrasound technician, charlotte should be making her debut on november 1st.

i was looking forward to *seeing* her a bit more, and unfortunately we didn’t get to see much. she’s just so big right now, that there wasn’t any great “pan down the body” shots. her arms and legs took up the entire screen and blipped in and out. because her head is in a good position for labor, her face was in a crap-tastic place for getting a glimpse.

i shouldn’t complain, i know, and i’m not really. having such a great glimpse of her so close to the end (and so long after the last one), was very cool and very reassuring.

we also had a “me” checkup. i am 80% effaced and starting to dilate, so that’s pretty cool. my bp was a bit up, my ankles were a bit … plump so we talked about what i needed to do to stay healthy for the next few weeks. the answer? “limited activity.” i’ll be spending the next few weeks with my feet up on the sofa and doing minimal chores and such. fortunately i’m not stuck on full bed rest, and i’ll be doing my best to make sure it stays that way.

one “nice” thing about all of this: you, dear reader, will have fairly frequent updates. i mean, what else am i going to do? write thank you notes?

oh man.

i really, *really* should have known better. the amazon reviews of Natural Childbirth the Bradley(r) Way, by Susan McCutcheon warned me that it was a bit out of date and very pro “natural” (ie: no medical assistance) child birth. still, i gave it a chance. it was one of highest rated/reviewed books on the bradley method, and i wanted to do a bit of research.

what i was ultimately looking for was an elaboration on what some other books hand hinted at: that bradley was about breathing with/through your contractions, and that it was coach centered. i wanted something to give me a bit of guidance for how to best meditate through my contractions. i wanted something that might give ryan and me ideas about what specific role he can play in the labor/birthing process.

what i got was seriously messed up science, painful bias and ultimately nothing of use.

the book was first published in 1984, with a revised edition in 1996. granted, i chose to overlook the fact that 1996 was 11 years ago when i read the “too outdated” reviews, assuming that i would just weed out the wrong stuff. the problem was deeper than that. it wasn’t just outdated. it was self-righteous and biased against any sort of research or new and upcoming advances. i could write an entire post about how blatantly they turn anecdotal evidence into facts and how every mention of some new discovery/technology was used as an argument about how little we know, not how much we’re learning.

for example: in a chapter about the dangers of fetal monitoring during labor, it mentions that doctors will sugarcoat all the benefits while downplaying or going so far as to not mention the risks and dangers of using the monitor. which is exactly what the book was doing about almost everything. the blatant hypocrisy was so pervasive that i struggled to get past it, and i pride myself on being able to sift through such things.

this book towed the “women have been doing this for thousands of years and modern medicine is ruining the experience” more aggressively than any book/article i’ve come across, yet. and it’s not like i haven’t been looking. it also went out of it’s way to insist that if you do everything it says perfectly correctly, you can have a completely intervention-free and pain-free birthing experience. the author insisted that if you had any pain, or anything didn’t go exactly to your plan, it was because you failed either in preparing, let the evil doctors take control, or didn’t believe in the method strongly enough. that’s right. if you don’t have faith that it will work out, it won’t. it’s all your fault.

the paradox of the whole thing was that the bits of it that did validate what i was looking for were so completely overshadowed by the propaganda that i can’t trust any of it. i can’t look at it and say, “well 85% of it is clearly bunk, but the 15% that i find useful is probably completely legit.” i doubt this book would even be helpful for someone who was pro home/no-tech birth because of the pressure it puts on you to be perfect. you really have to be on your toes to weed through all of it, and come out with anything of value on the other side.

in short: stay away. there’s not enough to be useful, no matter what your goals are.

today marked the beginning of a key milestone in my pregnancy. it was my last 2-week appointment. starting with my next appt (36 weeks) i’ll be going every week. it was also the first appointment where the doctor (or in this case, the nurse practitioner) checked for dilation and effacement. no news other than we’re both still plenty healthy. the np guesstimated that she’s mostly head down, but definitely favoring my right side. she was concerned about my ankles, which were considerably swollen by the time i had my appointment. they were worse than i’ve seen them in weeks, though, since my appointment a month ago where i got scolded, so she let me off with a warning. truth be told, it was the drive, the waiting room, and sitting on that examining bench that did it. they were “fine” before i’d left the office.

last night we took the breastfeeding class, which we both really enjoyed. it helped me go from “i’m going to try and breastfeed, and hopefully succeed” to “i’m going to breastfeed and persevere through the hard parts.” it also convinced us to get a really-real pump. before i was thinking that a hand-pump wound get me through any bumps along the way, and that we would rent a pump when i went back to work. after last night, the hand-pump felt like a waste of money. even a decent one would be awkward and time consuming, and not necessarily help much with over-engorgement. buying one of the pricey but high quality pumps will ultimately be cheaper than renting, and much more convenient for traveling. plus, if i pump while also feeding charlotte during the day, there will be milk available for ryan and charlotte’s extended family to feed her as well (once we’re out of the “nipple confusion” woods, that is). this is important to me not only because i want others to have the bonding experience, but because it’ll be easier for charlotte to transition if she’s used to various people feeding her.

my attitude has taken a lovely shift towards eagerness in the past few days. the classes and the support of everyone who was at sunday’s shower have given me a real boost of confidence in my ability to take care of an itty, bitty baby. so now i want the itty, bitty baby to show up. i’d like to wait a couple of weeks to get her fully baked in there, but once she’s good to go, it will be time to go!

ah well, if having so many pregnant people in my life recently has taught me anything, it’s that the baby clearly has his or her own timetable and the moms are completely at their mercy.

no pictures just yet. i’ll try to get one tomorrow.

oh! and as a supplement to talking about how great my husband is, i’d like to mention how great my family, friends, co-workers, and house guests have been in the past few months as well. this would be so much harder without all of their support and generosity.

thanks guys!

oh gosh, what a difference a few weeks make. let’s see…

oh! two weeks ago we went and took a tour of the hospital/birthing center that we’ll be using. it was a very surreal experience. seeing everything, imagining us in that place made me feel better (one less unknown), but knowing we’d back in 4-7 weeks most likely was very … intimidating. even ryan got a bit spooked and he’s been relatively un-spookable this entire time.

we’ve also started taking classes. i procrastinated a bit with calling, so we’re stacking them up fairly tightly in the 8th month at about one per week. last week we took the cpr class, which made me feel much more prepared. next week is breastfeeding, followed by “baby weekend” where we have massage (for pregnancy and labor) on friday night and a full day (8ish-3ish) of infant care on sunday.

and then there’s the showers. one tomorrow, one next weekend (which is also a house-warming party for us), and one the weekend after (smack dab between the two classes). we’re about to go from very little baby stuff to more than we have room for. it’s going to ease my mind considerably in terms of how prepared we are for charlotte’s arrival.

one more thing i’m doing to prepare for her big day is reading up on a bunch of different laboring techniques. i’ve already decided that science is my friend, so i’ll be going the medicated/iv’d/monitored route, but i know there still somethings to learn from “natural” methods. Specifically how to manage pain *before* the drugs kick in. i’ve picked up a couple of books, one on the bradley method and one that’s more of a general meditation guide. they aren’t telling me much i don’t know about meditation and channeling your focus inward (something i’m already familiar with), but they’re all over the “why doctors and medicine is evil” stuff. one of the books is so out of date (first published in 1984) that it’s just flat out wrong. i thought i was doing a decent job of filtering out the propaganda, but it seems to be catching up a bit with me. i blame hormones and stress and “omg i’m giving birth very soon!” stuff. once i get through them completely, i’ll probably post really-real reviews. …you know, like i’ve been planning for the books i’ve actually completed ;)

i’m also napping almost every day. fortunately everyone at work is very understanding. i take off around 2 or 3pm, sleep for a couple of hours and catch up on work later in the day. i do not like this, because it requires giving up way more control than i’d like way earlier than i’d like (you know, before the day i go into labor ;) ) but there’s little i can do about it.

so that’s pretty much it. there’s really not much to report on charlotte. we get checkups every couple of weeks now, and she’s doing just fine. at 36 weeks (2ish weeks from now), we’ll have another sonogram. i’m looking forward to seeing her again, to see how much she’s actually grown and such.

no decent pictures either this week (we’re such slackers), but i’ve got a couple from random events that are share-worthy and show how much my belly has grown.

bye now!

an absurd amount of stuff has happened in the last …two months?! that hasn’t really gotten documented here. no big worries, because most of it wasn’t baby-related. i have grown much bigger, but alas, there are very few pictures to document the growth. i promise i’ll get that done soon…i just don’t know when.

to catch you up to speed:

the first half of my second trimester was a breeze, like they say it can be some times. there was very little pain, random baby movements to make me feel contented and no baby-related drama. sure, my ankles/feet swelled up if i didn’t behave, but that was about it.

at the end of june, however (week 21ish and my 30th birthday), things changed almost overnight. bones started separating, making it awkward and painful to walk. my hands developed carpal tunnel syndrome, hurting when i typed and falling numb when i slept. my breasts, which had been behaving thus far, started leaking just enough to be a bit irritating, and speaking of leaking, that whole “bones separating” bit led to some other “leaks.”

at my 6 month checkup in early july, my doctor assured me that all of this was normal and gave me some helpful advice on how to deal with all of it. we also took another look at the the baby and it was officially declared a girl.

so, charlotte anne it is.

for a few days, i found this news quite unsettling. not that we were having a girl, but that knowing the child’s gender, assigning her an official name, made the entire person-creating process seem more real and more absurd. sure, i’m impressed with the fact that my body knows exactly how to make another human being without being told, and of course, i knew the whole time that a baby would eventually come out of me, but the fact that this person, this entity that is “charlotte anne” exists now and will never not exist and is unique among the world and such just sort of blew my mind. it still does. it’s hard to explain. everyone who’s tried to repeat it back to me (”so you’re saying….”) doesn’t quite express it in the way it makes me feel.

the last few weeks have been spent doing any number of things. we moved into our loft, filling it as best we could afford with new lofty furniture. we mourned the passing of ryan’s mother, who had been fighting stage 4 colon cancer for the last 3 years. we took on an almost entirely new (save me?) account/project management staff at work to help us scale. we picked up two house guests who will be living with us through september, and will hopefully still be in town for charlotte’s birth a month later. we registered for the bulk of charlotte’s new stuff, but will need a second trip to sort some things out and register at a second store.

all the stress, plus growing into the 3rd trimester (next week!) did a number on my stomach. early last week i started having some acid-related discomfort that i assumed would be tempered/resolved by doing the smaller-meals thing. i tried that, without altering my diet too much (i like the rich, spicy stuff which thusfar has not really been any trouble) and things seemed to be doing “okay.” friday night, however, things became unbearable and for the first time since being pregnant i threw up. a lot. a lot a lot. and a few sips of water were enough to almost send me back to the toilet.

after a call to the doctor on saturday morning, i spent the bulk of the day resting on the couch, nervously sipping on clear soda, munching on saltines all the while being extremely hungry and terribly thirsty. before going to bed (when i had upgraded to white bread), i still felt uneasy and anxious. too much too soon and i’d be right back where i’d started, which was not a place i wanted to be. today i feel much better, and am cautiously adding things like milk and slightly tastier bland things to my diet. there’s a bbq this afternoon that will try my willpower greatly. i have completely missed out on the fair-food from this weekend’s straussenfest, and this is the only fest with plate-sized potato pancakes covered in horseradish sauce. ah well, that’s not as tasty when you’re stone-cold sober anyway.

so that’s pretty much all there is to say right now. i’ve gotten “bored” with the books that tell me what pregnancy is like and am focusing more on breastfeeding and early baby/me care. those first 6 weeks post-birth? those sound like more of a doozy than anything i’ve faced or read about up till now.

i’ll try to check in again before too long.

you know what? there isn’t really much to report on just now. we’re all just sort of doing our thing and waiting for the next phase/doctor’s visit.

we went to the doctor about a week ago and besides being reminded why i like my doctor so much, it was largely uneventful. she asked me to stay on the progesterone until i hit 12 weeks and then start weaning myself off (which i’m doing, now that i’m officially at 12 weeks). we took a shot at listening for the heartbeat, but were unsuccessful. i’m still full of worry that something’s wrong in there and the only reason we don’t know it is because of the progesterone. i hope when we have our appointment at week 14 and we hear the heartbeat that i’ll be more relaxed, but i have a feeling it will take until the ultrasound at 18 weeks before i calm down about that. of course, that will just make room for different things to worry about ;)

the bump is growing a bit all the time (which, if i were normally rational, i would interpret as a sign that everything’s okay, but i can’t because i’m me). it’s to the point that when i’m sitting back in a chair, it will “hang over” (at least visually) a note pad or computer i have in my lap. i still have moments where i look fat instead of pregnant, but i’m starting to make the conscious choice for clothes that push towards looking pregnant. i’ve bought a couple of things (here and there, on sale and such), but i’m not quite big enough for any of them to look right yet. i did buy a bigger bra though, which has helped discomfort out a bit.

we went to a wedding yesterday and took pictures of “the bump” in a dress not really designed for bumping. it accommodates it pretty well at this stage though if you just push the gentle waistband up over the bump. those pictures should be up as soon as i get not-lazy enough to do so.

i’m looking forward to the first trimester being over. i haven’t gotten “all the way” sick, but i have had a few days where i got much closer than i’d like. nothing really crazy like the oj has happened since, i have been on a “mmm…buffalo wings/chicken fingers/chicken sandwich” kick which is probably not just me wanting things that taste good. i have days were i want meat, days where i want juice, but again, nothing quite so “omg love!” as the oj thing.

in an earlier post i talked about some spotting and related testing that was taking place this week.

well, the tests came back later on tuesday and it was determined that while i wasn’t doing the best job at making progesterone, the spore was doing alright with the hCG (hGC?), which was great news. one perscription and a handful of little peach pills later, and my hormone levels were taken care of for the time being. i had a bit of a run-in with a nurse who seemed a bit flighty (everyone else i’ve talked to has been great, for the record) and seemed to pass some judgement on our trip to new york. i think if it was business, she would have given me very different advice. that was kind of frustrating.

the peach pills seemed to be doing a pretty good job. wednesday i “took it less easy” at home and everything cleared up nicely. thursday i went to work and faked my way through a few “really bad stomach bug” conversations. friday was almost back to normal. we were going to head out to ryan’s parents house for dinner to discuss the trip, and then to visit my dad (who is back in the hospital with some blood-clotting issues-nothing too serious, all things considered) but as we were leaving, i discovered more spotting. heavier and darker than any i’ve seen before but not “fresh” and not accompanied by cramps, so there isn’t/wasn’t much we could do about it except go home and take it easy.

it calmed down almost immediately, though, so no real worries. okay, i’m worried shitless, obviously, but the logical part of me that’s not trying to prepare me for a possible miscarriage is trying to focus on the positives and that’s a good positive. so, this evening’s little “gift” aside, everything seems to be going smoothly.

the spore and i are chatting a lot, so he doesn’t get scared in there all by himself when stuff happens on the outside. i was never really one of those persons who prayed every night before going to bed, but the past few nights i’ve ended my day with my hand on my stomach, talking to the spore and telling it how proud i am of what a good job it’s doing. it’s kinda nifty, especially when ryan joins in.