so, she cries a lot. i worry that there’s something wrong, since she doesn’t exactly fit the perfect pattern of colic, but i think it’s still colic. she cries about an hour to 90 minutes after probably 2/3 of her feedings. there isn’t any discernible pattern based on what i’ve eaten, although i’ve taken tomatoes out of my diet after learning that both my cousin and i had problems with them, as did our grandmother. most of the time she can sleep through the bad phase, but not always. most of the time a walk around our apartment to look at the lights will distract her into quietness, but not always. i think that’s the “symptom” that has me most convinced it’s either colic or some other “not a big deal” thing (which is really what colic is — a catch all for unexplainable crying that generally goes away after a while). i remind myself when i can’t stand to hear her scream that if it was a terrible thing, pretty lights wouldn’t distract her, nor would rhythmic thumping on her back.

sometimes the crying lasts until we feed her again (and often through the feeding), sometimes she’ll cry herself to sleep, and sometimes a pacifier works. the joke in the house the past few days is that the 17th thing you try is the one that’s going to work. sadly, the pattern seems to be holding. 

swaddling used to be a great solution to the fussy/crying, but she’s learned how to avoid swaddling. the girl has some seriously strong legs. some days she’s so anti-swaddling that any time you set her on her back (to change, to swing, or to cradle in your arms), she starts howling. this may also be belly related. i know when i’ve got bad acid issues, the last place i want to be is on my back. the best way we’ve found to trick her into swaddling is to feed her into a food-coma, burp her quickly and then wrap her up before the fog lifts. of course, dumping a breast’s worth of food in her belly pretty much guarantees that within a couple of hours, we’re going to have to de-swaddle.

they say that colic “peaks” around 6 weeks old, and we’ve definitely seen an up-kick in intensity and duration the past few days. here’s hoping the peak happens soon. 

other approaching milestones are on the horizon as well. she’s learning how to twist her body, which makes changing more difficult, but means that intentional turning over is going to happen soon. at least, once she figures out that twisting is good for more than just demonstrating displeasure when she’s being lifted by her ankles. when she’s not screaming and not sucking on a pacifier, she’s definitely cooing. she can make a few different sounds now, and we’re both consciously repeating them back to her, and also engaging her in a “conversation” when she does it. i haven’t noticed her recognizing me or ryan yet, but it seems that when she’s fussing in her crib and i call out to her to let her know i’m on my way, she calms a bit. she may just be taking a breath. she can see much farther than before as well, which means no more looming over the crib to see if she’s asleep. our presence on the edges seems to disturb her awake. it means she’s much more interested in her toys and swings and such, which has been very useful for entertaining her in this brief moments when she’s awake and not angry at the world ;)

and then there’s the smiling thing. while some people have insisted that she’s been smiling for weeks, i’ve yet to see anything that i’m 100% confident is a true smile. she’s getting quite close though. today while we were on the changing table (her favorite place to hang out and coo) she seemed to be enjoying herself while i cooed and tickled and smiled at her. i certainly had her attention some of the time and her face (lips included) was twitching as if she was trying to do something intentional, but without really knowing what or how to accomplish it.

breastfeeding is still going well. i’m struggling to find opportunities to pump. on some mornings when i’m feeling particularly “full” and she’s complying by sleeping in, i’ll pump a decent amount. the trouble is that for the rest of the day, i feel a bit empty and i worry that she’s not getting enough. logic (and dirty diapers) tells me that she is, but it still worries me.

she’s had a bottle a few times this past week, and gets some quality time with the pacifier almost every day, but i’m quite pleased to report that the breast is still her favorite. every so often it takes her a few sucks longer to get going, but the reinforcement of the let-down seems to be combatting the bottle and the paci just fine.

she’s had quite a few outings thanks to the colic. since the carseat and a drive are often the easiest solutions to her attitude, hopping in the car to head to drive through dinner, the mall, or some other shopping destination has been a sanity-saving solution. i’ve become quite a pro at breast-feeding in the back of the car while ryan watches over us in parking lots. i just wish it weren’t so cold/nasty outside so that we could take some afternoon walks.

and then there’s me, i suppose. i’m learning and trying my best to remember that i’m not just at home and have to tend to a baby, but that the baby is my job right now. it makes me more focused on actively interacting with her and making sure i’m doing things to encourage her development. i struggle on occasion with feeling normal. even though we go “out” most nights, i go from loft to garage to building and back again. i’m never really outside, and never far enough “away” from charlotte to feel like i’ve gotten a break. sadly, even when ryan is “in charge” of her, i can’t shake it. it’s not until i do something that is a physical separation that i even realize i was missing it. then again, when i go more than a couple of hours without holding her (either because we’re running errands or because we’re visiting with folks who won’t put her down) i miss having her in my arms. i think there really is something to that whole bonding/hormone thing ;)

speaking of, i’m going to start back at work after the new year. there’s still some kinks/details that need to be worked out, like how much i’ll be working and exactly what i’ll be doing, but it’s pretty much a done deal. i’m looking forward to the opportunities for “normal”, even if it is work stress, but i’m also a bit worried about being away from her on a regular basis, especially when i start working 8 hour days. fortunately, my commute is about 15 minutes on foot, so i won’t be gone for more than 9ish hours at a stretch. i could easily even see her on my lunch breaks if i need a fix.

this is a really rambling, disorganized post with no real “end.” i blame the mush of watching too much television and the new-mother fatigue that makes me not care enough to muster the energy to fix it :)

I uploaded a bunch of pictures to my flickr account from the past few weeks. I even organized them into handy albums for you since they uploaded in such a wonky order:

• Charlotte’s Birth
• Thanksgiving 2007
• And baby makes 3

this is a hard post to write. i compose it over and over in my head while the days go by, but when i find a moment to actually type it up, i’m usually so drained or beat down, or just…not in the mood that it won’t come out right. we are all very healthy. i think charlotte might have a wee bit of a cold, which isn’t too surprising, given all the touching she’s been exposed to in the last week. she doesn’t seem too bothered by it, other than the random fussing and sneezing. it certainly hasn’t affected her appetite at all. she was 8lbs 6oz at our most recent checkup/weight check, which puts her at over an ounce a day.breastfeeding is also going very well. as i said, she’s gaining plenty of weight. i’m also *mostly* past the painful part of the process. although we’ve mastered the basics, i’m still at a complete loss for how people manage to feed in public. any time i try to cover up as “practice” it doesn’t go well. how can you see anything?! i’m also struggling a bit with the pump. it works great and all, but finding time/opportunity to pump while also having enough milk for her when she’s hungry is a real trick. the whole thing still strikes me as a bit absurd when i think to hard about the fact that there’s a human feeding from a part of my body.and then there’s me.physically i’m doing…absurdly well. as predicted, i lost most/all of the weight i’d gained during pregnancy by the time we got home. granted, it was *only* 15 lbs, so it’s not all that impressive. as the water-weight drained away over the next week, i lost another 15 pounds. thanks to the breastfeeding, i’m still loosing weight. i weigh less now than i have since the first year we were married. before you go hating me too much, please bear in mind that i was very over-weight when i got pregnant, and still need to lose another 30 or so pounds before i reach a healthy weight. i’ve made some drastic changes to my diet since becoming pregnant, and so far, most of them are sticking.mentally, well…being a new mom is rough. i have days full of confidence where i think i can totally pull this off, but they’re interrupted by moments of intense self-doubt, which leave me pretty paralyzed and really distraught. i don’t think it’s much more than the standard “baby blues,” so far. it helps to have a very supportive and loving husband/father around to pick me up when i crumble *and* take the lion’s share of the baby care while i get over myself.the last few days have been especially trying. i think that we might have a colicy baby on our hands. if she’s not sleeping or eating, she’s been screaming her head off. there’s nothing wrong, i’m not eating anything funny to make her upset. yesterday she wailed for the bulk of the day (from about 11:30 to 3:30 when she finally went to sleep), and well into the evening/night (6pm - 2amish with very few breaks). today was a bit better, partially because she’d worn herself out so much, and partially because we knew what to expect. i ended up singing “amazing grace” for almost an hour straight today to try and stave off the fussies. tomorrow i think i’m going to try christmas carols. maybe a little silent night or away in a manger.she’s asleep now, so we’re going to head to bed. when i get a chance, my next goal is to upload a bunch of pictures from the past couple of weeks onto the flicker account, so stay tuned!

today marked the beginning of a key milestone in my pregnancy. it was my last 2-week appointment. starting with my next appt (36 weeks) i’ll be going every week. it was also the first appointment where the doctor (or in this case, the nurse practitioner) checked for dilation and effacement. no news other than we’re both still plenty healthy. the np guesstimated that she’s mostly head down, but definitely favoring my right side. she was concerned about my ankles, which were considerably swollen by the time i had my appointment. they were worse than i’ve seen them in weeks, though, since my appointment a month ago where i got scolded, so she let me off with a warning. truth be told, it was the drive, the waiting room, and sitting on that examining bench that did it. they were “fine” before i’d left the office.

last night we took the breastfeeding class, which we both really enjoyed. it helped me go from “i’m going to try and breastfeed, and hopefully succeed” to “i’m going to breastfeed and persevere through the hard parts.” it also convinced us to get a really-real pump. before i was thinking that a hand-pump wound get me through any bumps along the way, and that we would rent a pump when i went back to work. after last night, the hand-pump felt like a waste of money. even a decent one would be awkward and time consuming, and not necessarily help much with over-engorgement. buying one of the pricey but high quality pumps will ultimately be cheaper than renting, and much more convenient for traveling. plus, if i pump while also feeding charlotte during the day, there will be milk available for ryan and charlotte’s extended family to feed her as well (once we’re out of the “nipple confusion” woods, that is). this is important to me not only because i want others to have the bonding experience, but because it’ll be easier for charlotte to transition if she’s used to various people feeding her.

my attitude has taken a lovely shift towards eagerness in the past few days. the classes and the support of everyone who was at sunday’s shower have given me a real boost of confidence in my ability to take care of an itty, bitty baby. so now i want the itty, bitty baby to show up. i’d like to wait a couple of weeks to get her fully baked in there, but once she’s good to go, it will be time to go!

ah well, if having so many pregnant people in my life recently has taught me anything, it’s that the baby clearly has his or her own timetable and the moms are completely at their mercy.

no pictures just yet. i’ll try to get one tomorrow.

oh! and as a supplement to talking about how great my husband is, i’d like to mention how great my family, friends, co-workers, and house guests have been in the past few months as well. this would be so much harder without all of their support and generosity.

thanks guys!

so, my husband is pretty damn spectacular.

he has, in the past few months, taken every crazy thing i’ve done in complete stride. he picks up everything i drop (when i let him), he helps me up when i get stuck in a chair (also when i let him), and basically has gone out of his way on a daily basis to make sure there’s nothing i need. occasionally he gets a bit over-zealous with the water offering, but you know, nobody’s perfect ;)

the past week or so, i’ve been particularly crazy.

monday i burst into random tears at lunch. he pulled his chair closer to mine, calmed me down, and then did random silly things until i was smiling.

wednesday i came to the conclusion that “nobody was ever going to buy the mattress and the bedding” and that we needed to buy it right then. even if it meant treking out to the far, far county to get it. and we did. the next day my mother expressed disappointment that someone had bought the bedding and now she couldn’t. oh well.

friday morning, after a random nightmare i started crying as well (love them hormones!). ryan woke up, listened to the litany of things that might be upsetting me, and then cheered me up to the point i was able to go back to sleep.

today, to thank him, i woke him up 2 hours before he got up naturally to have him feel a braxton-hicks contraction. after he expressed appropriate awe at the hardness of my abdomen, he thanked me for waking him up and promptly went back to sleep.

we both know this will only get worse, and you wouldn’t know it to look at him.

hooray for him!