i think the question of which is easier, breastfeeding or formula is pretty much a wash. i’m sure if you handed a breast to someone who’d been formula feeding they’d marvel at how there’s no cans to buy and no bottles to wash and it’s always right there when you want it. by the same token, all you have to do with formula is mix it up and go, plus you always know how much she’s eating and anyone can do it anywhere you go. plus, while breastfeeding seems normal, feeding her from a bottle seems all special.

i’m struggling with staying motivated to breastfeed. every time someone is surprised or unexpectedly impressed with the fact that i’m still doing it, what i hear is “nobody expects you to still be doing it.” even my aunt, who breastfed for over a year with her children, had assumed i had stopped by now.

i broke a few “rules” of breastfeeding. we use a pacifier to …well, pacify her. we probably wouldn’t have ever started, but thanks to colic, it was pretty much a necessity to keep us sane and her free from unnecessary distress. we use it less often now, but still a few times a day. charlotte also gets fed from a bottle on average once a day or more. usually this comes in 2-3 bottles/day shifts while i’m at work, so she has days where almost half of her meals come from a bottle. add that to the pacifier usage, and even though she’s well past the age where nipple confusion is a risk, she’s getting a bit lazy when faced with the challenge of a breast instead of a bottle. it’s something we can work around/through, but it means breastfeeding is becoming more work instead of less.

and then there’s the cardinal rule of breastfeeding survival that we broke: we’re supplementing with formula. i cannot tell you how many times i’ve read/heard the warnings against the evil powder and how i should put any formula samples under lock and key so that i’m not tempted during a weak moment.

basically, i was faced with a choice. either i’m attached to a breastpump or a baby for a very large portion of some of my days, or we trade out a meal or two a day with formula. even if she was only drinking breastmilk, pumping messes with supply. it’s manageable, but it’s rough. if it was just an inconvenience for me, it would be one thing, but with all the drama about her size, the stress of making sure i was producing enough would be my undoing.

well, thanks to enfamil dropping a few sample cans of formula on our doorstep, the choice became even easier to make. by my calculations, we’ll run out of formula sometime in april…when she’s almost 6 months old and likely ready to start transitioning to solids anyway. to get her acclimated, we’ve started giving her about 2 meals a week (4oz each) with formula, and i’ve encouraged her babysitters to give her a formula “snack” if she eats through the breastmilk before we get home and she’s very hungry. it’s all been in prep for my full days at work, which start this week.

i still want to breastfeed as much as possible until she’s 6 months at least, but i know that the more we supplement, the more difficult it will be to keep supply going long term, and “going back to work” is another key period where it gets extra challenging. i’m also self-aware enough that i’m probably doing a bit of pre-sabotage to try and control when i stop breastfeeding instead of having it fade on me when i’m not prepared.

i suppose i just need to keep focused on why this was the best choice for our family, and remember that buying formula, bottle maintenance, and most importantly, losing that bond are things i don’t really want to do yet.

the internet tells me that babies that are breast-fed exclusively may not poop for days at a time. this is because breast milk is so “perfect” that most of it is used up, leaving little for waste, aka poop. while the expert articles suggest that 5-7 days is normal, the anecdotal evidence in the articles’ comments mention 10+ days to more than 2 weeks as being perfectly healthy.

since about new year’s day, charlotte’s pooping habits changed. instead of almost always going (every diaper change was both wet and dirty), it was like someone fixed the leaky faucet. she’d go once, maybe twice a day, sometimes 36 hours between poops and the rest of her diapers would be wet but clean. then the big break happened. charlotte pooped last saturday night (1/5) and again the next morning. then she went on a poop strike. on thursday i called the pediatrician. i wanted some verbal confirmation that the internet and its experts weren’t lying to me. the nurse said that it was perfectly normal since she was happy and eating regularly. she told me to call back on monday (today) if she still hadn’t gone, but that they would likely just tell me to keep watching her if she was still happy and healthy.

so we waited and she farted (super-stinky farts) with increasing regularity. saturday night (day 6ish of the poop-strike), she demonstrated that everything was still working by dropping a dime-sized amount. then nothing. had the nurse not told me she wasn’t going to be concerned and if we didn’t have an appt. on thursday already, i might have called today. as it was, i didn’t have to.

there we were, minding our own business, playing “how strong is my neck” (pulling her into a sitting position slowly by her arms) and the poop-strike was over. she of course gave no indication that anything different was going on, and would have been content to keep playing, regardless of how leaky she’d become. one very dirty diaper, several wipes, an impromptu second bath, and a new onesie later and she was happy as a clam. i also changed clothes.

as if we weren’t having enough fun, we’re fairly certain she’s on the cusp of teething as well. she has two bumps in her mouth where her lower canines might grow. when you rub them, she clamps down on your finger and is content. when she’s cranky at night (a different sort of cranky than colic), she’s content about 10 minutes after you give her a shot of tylenol.

we have a doctor’s appointment on thursday to verify that she’s gaining weight steadily enough. i’m glad she pooped today instead of closer to the appointment. it’ll give us time to fill her back up ;)

things i love:

• the boppy: every time i try to feed her without it, i remember why i love it.
• all things medela: i listened to the internet and the crazy-jolly lactation consultant who said that people try others to save a buck or two, but usually end up with the pump in style, so i started with it. i pump about once a day, more if i miss a feeding, and it’s wonderful. the bags are awkward to pump into, so i pump into a bottle and then package into the bags. their microsteam bags make for easy cleanup. i also pump one breast at a time. it takes longer, but uses less stuff and allows me to do something more than hold the pumps in place ;)
• receiving blankets by amy coe: the only ones we could find that were the right material, and large enough for swaddling. they must be popular, since i can rarely find them at target, and they’re not online, either.
• old-school cloth diapers: we received a stack embellished with cute ribbons as a shower gift. more absorbent, better protecting, and softer than any burp cloth you can buy.
• t-shirts: we use the gerber ones under sleepers and when we swaddle.
• fuzzy sleepers: fleece, i suppose is what you’d call them. anyway, they’re great for keeping her toasty enough to nap in, or head out in this weather.
• lavender lab: is it a coincidence that she started sleeping 6+ hours at night once santa delivered one? i don’t think so.
• waterproof pads: one in the bed, one on the changing table…a few more waiting to be used at a moment’s notice
• the ikea chair: just the right amount of “bounce” for a rocker. (we don’t use the ottoman, though)
• schick intuition: it counts. it came in my “breast is best, but here’s some formula” bag of samples and coupons. it cuts leg-shaving down to about 3 minutes, which means i actually get to do it every once in a while ;)
• bundle me: sits in the baby carrier and is perfect for outings in less than ideal weather. plus, the “top” zips right off so there’s no issue on weirdly-warm days.

things i’m not using

• hats: oh, she hates them.
• gowns: one part onesie, one part blanket sleeper. not warm enough to use alone for napping.
• swaddlers: the material is waaaay too forgiving for a fussy baby who likes to kick, which is kind of the whole reason to swaddle.
• misc blankets: again, nothing made of a material that stretches in the least will do any good for swaddling, and most other blankety needs are met by other things.
• almost everything in the room/bedding kit: there are no windows in her room, so the valance was out. the blanket is too …stiff and pretty to be of any use. the bumper looks good, but “they” say that you shouldn’t use them when the baby actually sleeps in the bed. that leaves a diaper storage container (cute, but impractical. and the hanger broke under the weight of a “full” load of diapers), the crib ruffle (likeable, but mostly hidden by the crib we purchased), and a fitted sheet (buyable on its own)
• pants: since she doesn’t spend a lot of time with her legs straight, they look kind of silly. they get in the way of diaper changes, without being easily movable like a zippered or snapped sleeper or onesie.

…that’s all i can think of at the moment, but i know i’ve thought of more things while i’ve been composing this in my head.

okay, so she’s not 2 months until tuesday, but she had her two-month checkup today, so it still counts.

charlotte continues to be healthy. we chatted about various things like developmental milestones, cradle cap, dry skin, and the fact that she kicks like a fiend. the doctor assured us that she was perfectly normal. she also doesn’t have pink eye. which makes one of us ;)

she’s of average length (22.25 inches), but a bit small (9lbs 12 oz). we’re hitting all the numbers (feedings, dirty/wet diapers), but since she hasn’t gained weight as rapidly since the last appointment as she had for the two before this one, there’s some slight concern. it’s likely that the last week’s bought of sickness on my part has caused some of this. turns out dehydrated mommies don’t make all that much milk. we’ll be going back in a couple of weeks to make sure that she’s still growing at a decent clip.

in the mean time, we’re going to make some slight adjustments to her feedings. she’s been averaging about 6 - 8 feedings a day, but when she gets fussy between feedings, we distract her with other things instead of giving her a boob (which *always* works, at least while she’s attached). we’re going to stop doing that from now on, at least when i’m around. i’m also going to always offer both boobs at each feeding, no matter how sated she looks after draining the first one. i stopped writing down all the ins and outs early last month, but i’m going to start it up again, just to prove to me that we’re still on track.

then it came time for the vaccines. one by mouth (with a bit of tylenol to start us off), went very smoothly. i wasn’t too surprised. she’s easily distractible by new/different sensations, especially in her mouth (vitamins, gas drops, etc). then there were shots. two in each thigh in very rapid succession. while it was happening, charlotte and i had a good talk about how they hurt, but it was okay, and they were good for her, so it needed to be done. i’m not sure how much she understood, but it certainly made me feel better. she let out a few cries after the shock of all 4 shots was over that hit completely new pitches and volume levels, but that was about it. she fell asleep before we had made it back to the waiting room to schedule her new appointments. perhaps the colic has taught us how to soothe her quickly, and taught her that pain is temporary and she’ll be fine soon. she slept until we got home and cried a bit more when she woke up. once she had food, however, she stopped caring again.

she’s not any more fussy than she normally is as far as duration or tone, but the intensity of the wails is a bit sharper this evening. it’s like she’s maximizing the capacity of her newfound range. her legs seem a wee bit swollen, but i think that’s largely my imagination.

it’s odd, really, and a bit anticlimactic after all the “just you wait” warnings we’ve received from all of our baby-having friends. i expected all of us to be much more upset over the whole thing.

maybe at her 4-month set?

charlotte and i are almost through our first bout of mommy-sickness. unfortunately, i got a head cold and a flu/bug thing overlapping. also complicating the mix was some daddy-sickness with the same bug. two weak, vomitting people does not a parent make. my mom came over for quite a while on saturday so that ryan and i could rest and charlotte could get the attention neither of us were capable of giving. now all that’s left is the residual cold-related coughing and cranky throat/lungs. i’m hoping this doesn’t turn into a lung infection like so many colds of mine do. we ran into some dehydration-related supply issues with breastfeeding, but i think we’ll be back on track by tomorrow.

the forced down time allowed me to catch up in my what to expect: the first year book, and reading between the lines has taught me a few things. specifically, that we have a “challenging” baby. it’s not just the colic (which, don’t get me wrong, is quite challenging), but apparently she’s extra-active. i hadn’t really thought about it. when we get together with other babies near-enough her age it’s either at over-stimulated holiday events or outings where all babies stay tightly bundled away in their carriers. so i haven’t had much to compare with, and know better than to take such a small amount of anecdotal evidence as any indication.

i’m not really complaining, mind you. for us it’s normal babyness. i know that extra-active has some “perks”, that she’s not alone, or too far from a “norm”, and that some of the active/colic-related habits we’ve gotten into are partially due to choices towards the path of least resistance we’ve made over the few short weeks we’ve been parents. some of that’s going to have to change in the next few weeks as she approaches 3 months and needs some better habits, especially around “nap-time”.

it’s just sort of weird to realize that not all babies kick and squirm and wiggle around as much as charlotte does. that people can put them down for naps without being swaddled, with possibly being slightly awake and the baby doesn’t scream her head off.

if anything, this realization has stopped the almost constant “and some people have two?” monologue that’s been going on in my head. :)

due to a bunch of randomness today (sickness, leftover pumped milk, feverish sleeping husband), i fed charlotte 1.5 oz of milk from a bottle for the first time today. it wasn’t her first bottle (she averages about 2-3 a week), but it was the first time i’ve fed her.

“they” say that one of the benefits of breastfeeding is the extra bonding you cannot get from bottle-feeding. yes, yes, there’s special hormones released when your nipples are stimulated that make you feel good, blah, blah whatever.

but the thing is, 7 weeks into it, breastfeeding is pretty boring. it’s not that i ignore her or anything, but i can do other things while she’s feeding: watch tv, read the internet, eat, think about any number of things, etc etc. bottle-feeding is much more interactive. you’ve got to hold the bottle, make sure she’s latched on, watch to make sure she’s actually swallowing/eating, etc etc.

perhaps it was just the novelty, but i felt more connected to her while bottle-feeding.

so, she cries a lot. i worry that there’s something wrong, since she doesn’t exactly fit the perfect pattern of colic, but i think it’s still colic. she cries about an hour to 90 minutes after probably 2/3 of her feedings. there isn’t any discernible pattern based on what i’ve eaten, although i’ve taken tomatoes out of my diet after learning that both my cousin and i had problems with them, as did our grandmother. most of the time she can sleep through the bad phase, but not always. most of the time a walk around our apartment to look at the lights will distract her into quietness, but not always. i think that’s the “symptom” that has me most convinced it’s either colic or some other “not a big deal” thing (which is really what colic is — a catch all for unexplainable crying that generally goes away after a while). i remind myself when i can’t stand to hear her scream that if it was a terrible thing, pretty lights wouldn’t distract her, nor would rhythmic thumping on her back.

sometimes the crying lasts until we feed her again (and often through the feeding), sometimes she’ll cry herself to sleep, and sometimes a pacifier works. the joke in the house the past few days is that the 17th thing you try is the one that’s going to work. sadly, the pattern seems to be holding. 

swaddling used to be a great solution to the fussy/crying, but she’s learned how to avoid swaddling. the girl has some seriously strong legs. some days she’s so anti-swaddling that any time you set her on her back (to change, to swing, or to cradle in your arms), she starts howling. this may also be belly related. i know when i’ve got bad acid issues, the last place i want to be is on my back. the best way we’ve found to trick her into swaddling is to feed her into a food-coma, burp her quickly and then wrap her up before the fog lifts. of course, dumping a breast’s worth of food in her belly pretty much guarantees that within a couple of hours, we’re going to have to de-swaddle.

they say that colic “peaks” around 6 weeks old, and we’ve definitely seen an up-kick in intensity and duration the past few days. here’s hoping the peak happens soon. 

other approaching milestones are on the horizon as well. she’s learning how to twist her body, which makes changing more difficult, but means that intentional turning over is going to happen soon. at least, once she figures out that twisting is good for more than just demonstrating displeasure when she’s being lifted by her ankles. when she’s not screaming and not sucking on a pacifier, she’s definitely cooing. she can make a few different sounds now, and we’re both consciously repeating them back to her, and also engaging her in a “conversation” when she does it. i haven’t noticed her recognizing me or ryan yet, but it seems that when she’s fussing in her crib and i call out to her to let her know i’m on my way, she calms a bit. she may just be taking a breath. she can see much farther than before as well, which means no more looming over the crib to see if she’s asleep. our presence on the edges seems to disturb her awake. it means she’s much more interested in her toys and swings and such, which has been very useful for entertaining her in this brief moments when she’s awake and not angry at the world ;)

and then there’s the smiling thing. while some people have insisted that she’s been smiling for weeks, i’ve yet to see anything that i’m 100% confident is a true smile. she’s getting quite close though. today while we were on the changing table (her favorite place to hang out and coo) she seemed to be enjoying herself while i cooed and tickled and smiled at her. i certainly had her attention some of the time and her face (lips included) was twitching as if she was trying to do something intentional, but without really knowing what or how to accomplish it.

breastfeeding is still going well. i’m struggling to find opportunities to pump. on some mornings when i’m feeling particularly “full” and she’s complying by sleeping in, i’ll pump a decent amount. the trouble is that for the rest of the day, i feel a bit empty and i worry that she’s not getting enough. logic (and dirty diapers) tells me that she is, but it still worries me.

she’s had a bottle a few times this past week, and gets some quality time with the pacifier almost every day, but i’m quite pleased to report that the breast is still her favorite. every so often it takes her a few sucks longer to get going, but the reinforcement of the let-down seems to be combatting the bottle and the paci just fine.

she’s had quite a few outings thanks to the colic. since the carseat and a drive are often the easiest solutions to her attitude, hopping in the car to head to drive through dinner, the mall, or some other shopping destination has been a sanity-saving solution. i’ve become quite a pro at breast-feeding in the back of the car while ryan watches over us in parking lots. i just wish it weren’t so cold/nasty outside so that we could take some afternoon walks.

and then there’s me, i suppose. i’m learning and trying my best to remember that i’m not just at home and have to tend to a baby, but that the baby is my job right now. it makes me more focused on actively interacting with her and making sure i’m doing things to encourage her development. i struggle on occasion with feeling normal. even though we go “out” most nights, i go from loft to garage to building and back again. i’m never really outside, and never far enough “away” from charlotte to feel like i’ve gotten a break. sadly, even when ryan is “in charge” of her, i can’t shake it. it’s not until i do something that is a physical separation that i even realize i was missing it. then again, when i go more than a couple of hours without holding her (either because we’re running errands or because we’re visiting with folks who won’t put her down) i miss having her in my arms. i think there really is something to that whole bonding/hormone thing ;)

speaking of, i’m going to start back at work after the new year. there’s still some kinks/details that need to be worked out, like how much i’ll be working and exactly what i’ll be doing, but it’s pretty much a done deal. i’m looking forward to the opportunities for “normal”, even if it is work stress, but i’m also a bit worried about being away from her on a regular basis, especially when i start working 8 hour days. fortunately, my commute is about 15 minutes on foot, so i won’t be gone for more than 9ish hours at a stretch. i could easily even see her on my lunch breaks if i need a fix.

this is a really rambling, disorganized post with no real “end.” i blame the mush of watching too much television and the new-mother fatigue that makes me not care enough to muster the energy to fix it :)

sigh…. ”they” tell you to be careful introducing a pacifier into the life of a baby who breast-feeds. the line is typically something like “do not introduce a pacifier until breast-feeding is well established,” and that moment is defined as 3 weeks or a month or so. this is also the time when it’s “safe” to introduce bottle feeding. the worry is two-fold. getting milk out of a breast is harder than a bottle, so if she sucks on something “easy” (paci included) she’ll be less interested in sucking properly on the breast, which can lead to all sorts of supply issues on top of having a baby who doesn’t get enough to eat. the other paci-specific issue is that babies who get all their sucking needs out with the pacifier may be less interested in sucking at meal time, leading to the same supply/demand issues. pacifiers made of body parts (my fingers, her hands) don’t have the same risks since they’re not nipple-like, and we use those as needed/effective. unfortunately, they also don’t work as well.well, we waited as long as we could to start with the pacifier. we might not have needed it at all, had she not gotten so inconsolably fussy/angry/colicy. we hadn’t quite reached the 3 week mark, but since she’d been such a good latcher (from birth), and a hearty eater (drains a breast in under 4 minutes) we figured we were “safe” as long as we used it in extreme moderation. basically, the last resort is a car ride, and the one just before that is the pacifier. we used it a few times late last week, and everything seemed to be fine. in fact, she wasn’t really that big of a fan of the paci. we even tried several different types.all that changed on saturday. saturday was one of our most trying days, and we all benefitted from the moments of quiet that it afforded us. it was just so hard to watch her get so upset (for no fix-able reason) knowing that we could soothe her so easily. saturday night, however, i noticed a change in her latching. she was slurping funny, almost like there was a whole in her straw, and it was frustrating her and hurting me. she was still interested in eating regularly, however.sunday, we tried a bit more moderation with the pacifier, but unfortunately, sunday was worse than saturday so it got used more than we would have liked. she continued to have issues with latching, and was rather insistent that she have *something* to suck on at all waking moments. i acknowledged defeat, and vowed that when we made it through the day, i would cut her off again, no matter how awful it made monday.well, today wasn’t too bad, but she showed another sign of the pacifier’s evil influence. instead of giving her the pacifier when she got fussy between meal times, i put her back to breast. this meant “feeding” every hour or so between 10 and 2. unfortunately, charlotte had learned that she could just suck lightly on the breast to get her soothing fix without being troubled by any pesky milk. fortunately, i could combat that by forcing the milk out, but that just made her cranky. all that extra eating meant for extra fussing and colic, though.we managed to go all day without using the pacifier. it wasn’t until about 10ish that we relented. all her needs were met and she was even swaddled (swaddling makes her happy and sleepy), but still screaming her head off. fortunately, she only needed a few moments of calm before drifting off to sleep.in as much as i can plan one day to the next right now, i plan on treating tomorrow much the same.

this is a hard post to write. i compose it over and over in my head while the days go by, but when i find a moment to actually type it up, i’m usually so drained or beat down, or just…not in the mood that it won’t come out right. we are all very healthy. i think charlotte might have a wee bit of a cold, which isn’t too surprising, given all the touching she’s been exposed to in the last week. she doesn’t seem too bothered by it, other than the random fussing and sneezing. it certainly hasn’t affected her appetite at all. she was 8lbs 6oz at our most recent checkup/weight check, which puts her at over an ounce a day.breastfeeding is also going very well. as i said, she’s gaining plenty of weight. i’m also *mostly* past the painful part of the process. although we’ve mastered the basics, i’m still at a complete loss for how people manage to feed in public. any time i try to cover up as “practice” it doesn’t go well. how can you see anything?! i’m also struggling a bit with the pump. it works great and all, but finding time/opportunity to pump while also having enough milk for her when she’s hungry is a real trick. the whole thing still strikes me as a bit absurd when i think to hard about the fact that there’s a human feeding from a part of my body.and then there’s me.physically i’m doing…absurdly well. as predicted, i lost most/all of the weight i’d gained during pregnancy by the time we got home. granted, it was *only* 15 lbs, so it’s not all that impressive. as the water-weight drained away over the next week, i lost another 15 pounds. thanks to the breastfeeding, i’m still loosing weight. i weigh less now than i have since the first year we were married. before you go hating me too much, please bear in mind that i was very over-weight when i got pregnant, and still need to lose another 30 or so pounds before i reach a healthy weight. i’ve made some drastic changes to my diet since becoming pregnant, and so far, most of them are sticking.mentally, well…being a new mom is rough. i have days full of confidence where i think i can totally pull this off, but they’re interrupted by moments of intense self-doubt, which leave me pretty paralyzed and really distraught. i don’t think it’s much more than the standard “baby blues,” so far. it helps to have a very supportive and loving husband/father around to pick me up when i crumble *and* take the lion’s share of the baby care while i get over myself.the last few days have been especially trying. i think that we might have a colicy baby on our hands. if she’s not sleeping or eating, she’s been screaming her head off. there’s nothing wrong, i’m not eating anything funny to make her upset. yesterday she wailed for the bulk of the day (from about 11:30 to 3:30 when she finally went to sleep), and well into the evening/night (6pm - 2amish with very few breaks). today was a bit better, partially because she’d worn herself out so much, and partially because we knew what to expect. i ended up singing “amazing grace” for almost an hour straight today to try and stave off the fussies. tomorrow i think i’m going to try christmas carols. maybe a little silent night or away in a manger.she’s asleep now, so we’re going to head to bed. when i get a chance, my next goal is to upload a bunch of pictures from the past couple of weeks onto the flicker account, so stay tuned!

here’s a set of notes i’ve taken about my day:

1:30ish
2:12ish
4:00 - all right, some left
6:20 - left
8:30 - right
11:00 - left (short)
11:30 - right
12:00 - left + right
3:20 - right + left
4:40 - left (one hit)
6:00 - right (one hit)
8:00 - left (one hit)
9:15 - right (mini-hit)
9:40 - right + left

there was some concern at her checkup yesterday that she might not be eating enough (breastfeeding and milk prod are going very well. just had a minor delay in post-production) so i’ve been on an “on-demand or every 2.5 hours” schedule.

the first three weeks are the hardest the first three weeks are the hardest the first three weeks are the hardest