Party of Four?

months and months ago, when i had just assumed i’d be put on bedrest at some point thanks to all the preeclampsia factors, i wasn’t too upset about it. i mean, why be upset about something that’s probably inevitable, and who doesn’t love hanging out and reading, writing, or playing video games all day long?

um, me, that’s who.

i don’t have preeclampsia. i haven’t been confined to my bed. i’ve been put on “limited activity” and sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day (even in a office that’s been as accommodating as mine), isn’t limited enough to combat the edema and the fatigue. so basically, i get one or two “outings” a day (a walk to shake the baby loose, dinner, etc) plus some general chores. mostly, though, i’m on the couch. with my feet up. which is great and all and good for me and good for charlotte and i’ve seen, really *seen*, my ankles and calves for the first time in months. i had no idea how much weight i’d lost down there until i got rid of all the swelling, but oh my gosh am i having a hard time keeping myself … well tasked.

there’s a list (when is there not a list) of things that need to happen, big and small. there’s an unwritten list of “things i can do to occupy myself when i don’t feel like or can’t work on the other lists” made of tv watching, video games, book reading, etc. so i’m not really at a loss for things to do. i’m just at a loss for when to do what. i found myself all weekend thinking “well, if i do x now, then what will i do later?” or “i should save this until later when there’s something different on tv, or ryan is around to talk to or… whenever.”

and it’s driving me crazy. friday i had laundry to pace myself with (get up, do laundry. do one small task. sit back down until laundry’s ready again) and a few downloaded tv shows to get me through the middle of the day. i have a lovely new video game to play, but it really only consumes me for about an hour before something in me clicks off and says “you have better things to be doing, you know.” i was going to postpone this blog entry until monday as well, but then i thought “no, really, what else are you going to do on the internet while you half-watch america’s next top model?” RSS feeds are really dry on the weekend, kids.

i dunno. maybe it’s just sort of some mis-guided leftover nesting that can’t focus well enough to get anything done. tomorrow, i think the first thing i do once i get bored with the morning shows is make a schedule for the day. possibly a general one for every day.

god i’m a nerd.

today (which is technically almost week 37) was my 36 week checkup. it included an ultrasound.

the ultrasound was great in some ways, a bit of let down in others. charlotte is very healthy, a decent size (6lbs 10oz today), and very snugly head down (could have told you that). she’s also quite the mobile little kicker (could have told you that, too). according to the ultrasound technician, charlotte should be making her debut on november 1st.

i was looking forward to *seeing* her a bit more, and unfortunately we didn’t get to see much. she’s just so big right now, that there wasn’t any great “pan down the body” shots. her arms and legs took up the entire screen and blipped in and out. because her head is in a good position for labor, her face was in a crap-tastic place for getting a glimpse.

i shouldn’t complain, i know, and i’m not really. having such a great glimpse of her so close to the end (and so long after the last one), was very cool and very reassuring.

we also had a “me” checkup. i am 80% effaced and starting to dilate, so that’s pretty cool. my bp was a bit up, my ankles were a bit … plump so we talked about what i needed to do to stay healthy for the next few weeks. the answer? “limited activity.” i’ll be spending the next few weeks with my feet up on the sofa and doing minimal chores and such. fortunately i’m not stuck on full bed rest, and i’ll be doing my best to make sure it stays that way.

one “nice” thing about all of this: you, dear reader, will have fairly frequent updates. i mean, what else am i going to do? write thank you notes?

as promised: a brief video of what is a nightly ritual.

unfortunately for you, charlotte became camera shy once we finally got the the camera out, so ryan was only able to capture a small wave. usually she’s much more active than that and it lasts for anywhere from 10 – 20 minutes.

oh, and that dark spot near the top is what’s “left” of my belly-button (it’s pretty much a flat plane at this point), surrounded by my body’s interpretation of a linea negra (which is a crooked line that sort of “spills” pigment around my belly button).

so um…i don’t know if this is what nesting actually feels like, but i’m pretty sure something new is happening with me.

this weekend we had a bit of a blitzkrieg finale to most of our pre-baby activities. friday night we took a class on pregnancy and labor massage. saturday i attended my last shower. sunday we attended an “all day” infant care class (which lasted until about 2ish), picked up a gift that had been delivered to a local baby boutique, and visited friends who just had their first child.

after all of that, i sort of went a bit … nuts.

because i feel like cutting the tags off all the pink clothes we’ve received might be jinxing us, i’m not planning on doing the absurd amount of washing and packing that needs to be done until after our thursday appointment (it has an ultrasound). we did wash the fabric that goes with our bassinet, a few gender-neutral receiving blankets, and a “just in case” outfit for going home. i think doing that little bit of laundry, and putting the bassinet where it goes in our bedroom was what finally pushed me over the edge.

i built the bouncer, which didn’t take very long and wasn’t enough to meet my need to build/do something.

i took the infant carrier out of it’s box, only to discover it was completely pre-assembled. that makes complete sense, really, but was a bit disappointing. i had nothing to do but adjust the straps and try to cram various stuffed animals into the seat. i could have gone downstairs and tried to install the carseat itself, but it was late and would probably be a bit too physically challenging for me. all that bending and leaning and such.

instead, i cracked open the box of the stroller frame put it together, snapped the carrier in place. un snapped. collapsed the stroller. un-collapsed and put the carrier back on. repeated 2 or 3 times.

it still wasn’t enough. i have a general “rule” that i don’t put away gifts until i’ve written the thank you notes. it’s partly a motivator, and partly a way to help jog my memory when i’m going back to write the note. i broke the rule sunday night. my mother had given me a giant basket that was crammed full of clothes and a few other things. i took everything out of the basket and put it in neat little themed piles.

this took quite a while and required that i stand up at the counter to do so. after such a full day (note the lack of a nap), my body started complaining quite loudly that it was time to be done. i spent about an hour or so just kind of sitting on the couch, tapping my hands and *thinking* about what i could do next, once my body got over that whole being tired and sore thing.

monday wasn’t better.

i woke up about an hour before my alarm and just decided to get moving. by the time we got to work, i was sort of skipping and eager. i was also talking an absurd amount, like i do when i’m nervous about something (i was not). i spent the large part of the morning cleaning up/out my desk. it’s very clean and orderly now. i did all of this with a rather sore shoulder, but i didn’t really care. around nap time (2-3pm), i could feel a part of me asking for a nap, but the part in control didn’t really care. so i kept going.

after work we went to target and picked up pretty much everything we needed to build the labor/post partum bags. i don’t really expect the doctor to say “go give birth” at my checkup on thursday, but just in case, i want to be ready. i’m 36+ weeks after all. it’s past time to have built a bag.

i was going to build it last night, but i was too tired once i got home.

i woke up this morning too tired as well.

the thing is, my brain hasn’t shut off. it’s sort of hard to describe. it’s not a very manic feeling. i feel in control, i just really want to move forward with whatever task i’m working on and go to the next one as quickly as possible. all day, even though i was too tired to do much of anything (i took a nap), i was constantly plotting what i would do as soon as i was able.

still left to do:
- install carseat in car
- actually pack the labor and post-partum bags
- write thank you notes
- write the birth plan
- put some finishing touches on the baby’s room (mostly the changing table area)
- prep and wash *everything* that will fit/be used by a newborn and a 0-3 month old.

i don’t have pictures, but i may have a video of charlotte dancing in my belly to share with you soon.

oh man.

i really, *really* should have known better. the amazon reviews of Natural Childbirth the Bradley(r) Way, by Susan McCutcheon warned me that it was a bit out of date and very pro “natural” (ie: no medical assistance) child birth. still, i gave it a chance. it was one of highest rated/reviewed books on the bradley method, and i wanted to do a bit of research.

what i was ultimately looking for was an elaboration on what some other books hand hinted at: that bradley was about breathing with/through your contractions, and that it was coach centered. i wanted something to give me a bit of guidance for how to best meditate through my contractions. i wanted something that might give ryan and me ideas about what specific role he can play in the labor/birthing process.

what i got was seriously messed up science, painful bias and ultimately nothing of use.

the book was first published in 1984, with a revised edition in 1996. granted, i chose to overlook the fact that 1996 was 11 years ago when i read the “too outdated” reviews, assuming that i would just weed out the wrong stuff. the problem was deeper than that. it wasn’t just outdated. it was self-righteous and biased against any sort of research or new and upcoming advances. i could write an entire post about how blatantly they turn anecdotal evidence into facts and how every mention of some new discovery/technology was used as an argument about how little we know, not how much we’re learning.

for example: in a chapter about the dangers of fetal monitoring during labor, it mentions that doctors will sugarcoat all the benefits while downplaying or going so far as to not mention the risks and dangers of using the monitor. which is exactly what the book was doing about almost everything. the blatant hypocrisy was so pervasive that i struggled to get past it, and i pride myself on being able to sift through such things.

this book towed the “women have been doing this for thousands of years and modern medicine is ruining the experience” more aggressively than any book/article i’ve come across, yet. and it’s not like i haven’t been looking. it also went out of it’s way to insist that if you do everything it says perfectly correctly, you can have a completely intervention-free and pain-free birthing experience. the author insisted that if you had any pain, or anything didn’t go exactly to your plan, it was because you failed either in preparing, let the evil doctors take control, or didn’t believe in the method strongly enough. that’s right. if you don’t have faith that it will work out, it won’t. it’s all your fault.

the paradox of the whole thing was that the bits of it that did validate what i was looking for were so completely overshadowed by the propaganda that i can’t trust any of it. i can’t look at it and say, “well 85% of it is clearly bunk, but the 15% that i find useful is probably completely legit.” i doubt this book would even be helpful for someone who was pro home/no-tech birth because of the pressure it puts on you to be perfect. you really have to be on your toes to weed through all of it, and come out with anything of value on the other side.

in short: stay away. there’s not enough to be useful, no matter what your goals are.